話說王恂前日不能赴怡園之約，因為孫亮功請去商辦喜事，也替他張羅了幾天。定於二月初十日招贅，也不多幾天了。新年李性全寄了幾百兩銀子來與元茂，並寫個稟帖與王文輝，要替他兒子辦喜事。王文輝不耐煩作媒，俱令王恂代勞。李元茂求著了魏聘才，求其代制一切。魏聘才鬧了一個多月，花的，輸的，丟了好些銀錢，竊案又未能破，心上也有些煩悶起來，不得主意。今見李元茂來求他，當日原是他與王文輝為媒，意欲借此到文輝處走動，作個幌子，便答應了，又道：「你去年借我的鐲子，如今也該取還我了，遲一日多一日利錢。」元茂道：「老爹只寄了三百兩銀子來，要辦這件事，只怕還不夠。我又無處借，你再要這帳，就坑死我了。」聘才道：「這話奇了，怎麼說坑你？你去年怎樣講的，說家信一到就還，如今倒問你也不好問了。」元茂道：「你放心，待我過門之後，我就贖還你。」聘才道：「到過門之後，一發沒錢了。」元茂道：「我雖沒錢，他應該有錢。」聘才道：「他是誰？」元茂笑道：「就是內人。非但這一筆，還有好些錢，想出在他身上呢。」聘才笑道：「你內人身上倒會出錢？」元茂道：「豈有此理！」聘才道：「你自講的，要出在他身上。」元茂道：「我不過想他有些陪嫁，嫁了我也就任憑我了，稀罕你那一個鐲子取不出來？」聘才道：「要使老婆身上的錢，也不是個漢子。」元茂道：「那又何妨？又不是當忘八來的錢。」兩人說笑了一回，元茂去了。
聘才明日去拜王文輝，文輝進衙門去了，王恂接待。又同去見了亮功，說了些客套，無非是現在客途，無人照料，一切尚求包涵等語。亮功道：「原是愛親結親，這些煩文，一概刪去。我也不要破費他一錢，一切在我就是了。」即留聘才吃飯。
到了前三日過禮，聘才只得去找元茂，免不得上去見了顏夫人，因有好幾個月不去了，又為去年鬧了事，甚是侷促不安。顏夫人也不問其往事，淡淡問了幾句話。聘才去見了子玉，子玉想起琴言前日的話，心上總有些怪他，也不似從前待他親厚了。
元茂的事是梅進代辦，替他辦了釵環簪鐲、彩緞衣衫，並借了顏夫人的珠冠玉帶、補服朝珠、蟒衣繡裙，共鋪了十六盒，紮了亭子，也還像個局面。兩個媒人押了去。孫家收了，回盒不過相稱，也無甚珍異之物。
到了吉期，自有梅宅家人料理，備了兩桌酒，一席送顏夫人，一席待媒人，並請子玉、顏仲清作陪。仲清道：「元兄今夕真個到了群玉山頭了。」王恂道：「一路榮華到白頭。」子玉道：「『猶道燈前相對影，愈揉雙眼愈模糊。』此是近視眼洞房詩，今日可為元兄詠矣。」元茂道：「我說倒是近視眼好，就新人醜些，也看不清楚。」仲清道：「若美的呢，可不孤負了？」元茂笑道：「我這新人想來未必能美。我也有些風聞，只要不像那兩位弟兄的相貌就好了。」到了吉時，都送元茂到了孫宅，孫宅鼓樂迎接。此位姑娘係亮功前室所生，如今這位夫人也不甚鍾愛他，故此一切從簡。女客只有陸氏夫人的嫂子，就是陸宗沅的夫人，帶了小女兒前來。男家早上道過喜了。倒是姬亮軒在那裡假熱鬧，心上想鬧鬧新房，自有兩位廢物招接。
元茂與新娘拜了花燭，送入新房，坐牀撒帳，飲了交杯，復又請新郎上席，坐了華筵。那嗣徽、嗣元陪了一回，王恂、仲清即要移席到新房中暢飲。大家進了新房，仲清道：「今日可以看新人的。」便要走到牀前。牀前本有兩個伴送的老婦人，還有兩個小丫鬟侍立。嗣元恐怕仲清看了他的姐姐，便跑到牀前把帳門把住，口內連說了幾個「看」字，然後掙出「不得」兩字，若得眾人都笑了。王恂扯了仲清過來坐下，嗣元尚不放心，還死緊把住了帳門，眾人不住的暗笑。嗣徽道：「夫婦居室，人之大倫也，外人何得與聞？幸虧兄弟鬩於牀，外禦其侮。不然，白雪之白，竟為十目所視矣。」子玉聽了大笑。王恂對仲清道：「真所謂『無感我▉兮，無使龍也吠。』」仲清也覺微笑。李元茂得意洋洋的喝酒。
姬亮軒與王恂、仲清是見過幾回的了，子玉卻是初見，心中想道：「這個梅少爺好相貌，比起那孫老徽來，倒似那戲上岑彭、馬武了。」聘才問姬亮軒道：「好幾天不見你東家出來，在家裡作什麼？」亮軒道：「這兩天敝東有點貴恙，不便行動。」聘才道：「什麼貴恙？」亮軒道：「聽得腿上生了癤子，所以不出來。」這一席卻分了三路，子玉、仲清、王恂是一路，孫嗣徽兄弟是一路，聘才、亮軒又是一路，故此不能熱鬧。王恂作人素來和藹，見同席都不能接洽，勉強要和合起來。此刻在新房裡坐位亂坐的，無有推讓。聘才與亮軒坐了一面，仲清與子玉坐了一面，元茂在上首獨坐了一面，王恂與嗣徽坐在下首。
叫嗣元過來，嗣元不肯，拿張凳子在牀面前坐著。姬亮軒向子玉笑嘻嘻道：「梅大先生是不常出來，小弟今日還是頭一回識荊。如高興，歇天何不到敝東處來走走，敝東是極好相與的。」子玉不知他的東家是誰，含糊答應。即私問王恂，王恂答以奚十一，子玉便是一腔忿恨，也不理他。亮軒又向元茂道：「舍表妹賢德無雙，李大哥真有福氣，結了這頭好親。我們太親翁不久外放，不是四川夔州府，就是湖南辰州府。李大哥是嬌客，將來同到任上，不要說是帳房，只怕內外一切都要仰仗呢。」仲清聽了好笑，忍不住道：「足下與孫府上怎麼樣的親？」亮軒道：「孫大哥的嫡親舅嫂，是我兩姨中表嫡親表嫂之嫡親表妹，這是新親。敘起老親來，從前已故太太的外祖，是我丈人的丈人。」仲清笑起來，聘才道：「這個青，也只好算個蛋青了。」亮軒道：「雖然是淡親，卻也勝於舉目無親。我聽得有副對子道：『豈有文章驚海內，更無親友在朝中。』」
又道：「亂說，亂說。諸位是滿朝朱紫貴皆親友，我們這兩位舍親是不用說了。李新舍親是明府之子，梅大先生是堂堂學院的少爺，王大先生是侍郎大人之公子，顏大先生是侍郎大人之嬌客。就是魏大先生也作過華公府上的上賓，就是少府。都是一班貴客。只有區區小子，是個幕賓，將來總要拜求栽培栽培，攜帶攜帶。」說得個噁心。仲清忍不住問道：「姬先生這樣敘起來，我們都可以算得親戚，只要多轉兩個彎。」亮軒連稱「正是」。子玉微笑。元茂道：「我非但算不得清，而且也聽不清，真是葫蘆牽倒扁豆藤。」聘才笑道：「忙中遇著腿纏筋。」嗣徽道：「親親也，凡有血氣者莫不尊親。親親人也，仁者人也。」嗣元聽了乃兄開口，就要駁起來，道：「這話、話，不、不通，你、你說凡有血、血、血氣者，莫不、不、不尊親，都、都、都是你、你的親，我、我、我想就、就、就只有螃、螃、螃蟹沒有、有、血，甲、甲、甲魚還、還有、有血，王、王、王八也是你、你、你親戚、戚了。我就沒有這、這、這許多親。」說罷，呵呵的笑起來，笑得滿屋人皆笑。嗣徽道：「妄人也，何足與言。」嗣元道：「我、我、我倒不是妄、妄人，你、你、你倒是個亡人，亡人、亡人無以為、為、為寶，仁、仁、仁、仁親以為寶。」眾人聽得更大笑。
仲清道：「我有個笑話也是現成的。海龍王有一天放那些怪物轉生，已放過了好些。末後，巡海夜叉在泥裡掏出兩個怪物，求龍王放他，龍王看時，一個是王八，一個是蛤蟆。龍王道：『這兩個放他去，我有些不放心，教他找個保人來。』王八聽了，即指著旁邊龜丞相道：『他是我本家。』又指著蛇將軍道：『他是我的親戚。』龍王道：『丞相是你本家也就夠了，怎麼又添出個將軍親戚來？』那王八答道：『非但親戚，還算是本家呢。我們王八是不會生兒子的，要請蛇來替生兒子，雖是龜宗，還是蛇種，所以親戚也算得，本家也算得。』海龍王笑道：『你既有這好本家、闊親戚，就放你去罷。』又叫蛤蟆上來問道：『你有本家、親戚沒有呢？』那蛤蟆道：『人人是我本家，個個算我親戚。』龍王怒道：『那裡就有這許多？』蛤蟆道：『我們這一種，是人溺裡帶的餘精生出來的，所以我也像個人樣，不是人人算我本家，個個算我親戚麼？』龍王大驚道：『快些放他去罷，不然他要與我攀親了，不要攀出蛤蟆親戚來。』」說得聘才、王恂、子玉幾乎笑倒。嗣徽與亮軒知道是罵他們，因回答不出來，只好忍氣。嗣元見罵了他們，倒反笑起來，道：「好、好個王八親戚，好、好個蛤蟆親、親、親戚。」王恂道：「我也有個笑話。一個妓女是個瞎子，有人去嫖他，他雖看不見，卻分得人的等次來。那一天接了三個客，老鴇問他道：『姑娘，你猜今日三個客是何等樣人？』瞎妓道：『頭一個是秀才，第二個是刑名師爺，第三個是近視眼的阿呆。』老鴇道：『你何以分得出來呢？』瞎妓道：『頭一個上來，斯斯文文把我兩邊的股分開去，又合攏來，既作我的正面，又作我的反面。又聽他說道：此處放輕，此處著重。一深一淺，是個作八股的法子。所以我知道他是秀才。第二個上來，弄了一回，把我細細的看。聽他說道：左太陽有一疤，右乳有指爪傷痕，斜長一寸二分。停一回又聽他說道：兩足迸直，兩手放開。這不是辦命案的刑名麼？第三個來得很奇，一上來就把我那話兒看，他那眉毛似刷子一樣，擦得我癢。看看又聞，聞聞又看。我知道他是個近視眼的阿呆』。」眾人大笑，連那老婆子、丫頭也笑了。覺得帳子裡一絲半息的微有笑聲，是新娘子也在那裡笑，把個嘴掩緊了。嗣元道：「那、那、那個近視眼倒像李大哥，那個刑名就是姬大哥。」亮軒笑道：「不是，不是。我看斷非刑名，定是仵作。」李元茂道：「我不信眉毛會擦得癢。」子玉笑道：「尊眉也就不輕了。」嗣徽道：「三人中吾學那個作八股的。」聘才道：「我也有個笑話。親兄弟兩個，都是近視眼，然不肯自認近視眼。哥哥常說兄弟的眼光不好，兄弟也笑哥哥目力不佳。他家隔壁有個土地堂，新掛了一塊匾，兩人要試試眼光，去看匾，到底誰看得清楚。這兩人偏又生得矮小，哥哥先叫兄弟蹲下，他踏在他肩上，叫他站起，湊到匾前，細細一看，下來對兄弟道：『我送你上去看。』兄弟也照樣上去看了，即問他哥哥道：『你看的是什麼字？』
他哥哥道：『我看是塊當鋪的招牌，想必裡面開了當。你看分明寫著土也當，是土也可以當得的意思。我們回去挑兩擔土來當當。』兄弟笑道：『哥哥看錯了，我看是上他當三個字。我們去挑了土來，他又不當，不是上他當麼？』哥哥聽兄弟說得有理，也就一同回去了。一日兩個又要賭賽眼光，兄弟道：『哥哥，你不要跟我賭，譬如你說我的面貌生的怎樣，我說你的面貌生的怎樣，我們自己不認得自己，說也不信。若嫂子面貌是我記得清楚的，弟婦的面貌，自然哥哥也看得逼真的。如今我們各把老婆的相貌說來怎樣，就見得我們的眼光好與不好。』哥哥聽兄弟說話又在理，便點點頭，心中想他老婆的相貌，覺得模模糊糊說不出來。他兄弟想了半天，也想不出那模樣來，便各跑了進去。他哥走到家中不見他老婆，一找找到磨房內。見他老婆正在那裡簸面，飛了一頭一臉雪白。他哥哥湊近他臉上，仔仔細細看了一看，即走出來坐了，等兄弟來說給他聽。他兄弟也跑到房中，見關了門，把門一推。他老婆正脫了褲子要下盆子洗澡，見丈夫來，不好意思，要拿個東西遮遮下身。只有個蠅拂子在手邊，便拿來遮了那件東西。他兄弟見了那絲絲縷縷的，著實詫異，便俯著身，細細看了，也即出來。
見他哥哥坐在那裡笑，即問他哥哥道：『什麼好笑？』他哥哥道：『兄弟，笑我眼睛真不如你。我娶親五年，今日才看清。那曉得你嫂子是個天老兒，一頭白髮。』他兄弟也歎了一口氣道：『哥哥，嫂子的白髮，何足為奇。我方才看清你弟婦的陰毛都是白的。』」眾人放聲大笑。忽聽得帳子裡新娘罵起來，罵道：「那個混賬忘八在這裡撒村！你媽才是天老呢，你祖奶奶才是天老呢！」話言未了，打出一個東西來，砸破了兩個菜碗，嚇得眾人面面相覷。嗣元見姐姐罵了，即跳起身來，也幫著亂罵。大家無趣，急忙起身走了出來，急急的各散。元茂、嗣徽也難收羅，只得送出，看上車而回。
原來聘才這個笑話，雖係有心打趣李元茂的近視眼，卻不知關礙了新娘。從前就說過是個天老兒，生的一頭白髮，連眉毛、寒毛都是白的，北邊叫作天老，南邊謂之白羊子。更兼情性潑悍，今年已經三十歲了，四遠馳名，無人聘他，故將就送與元茂。元茂如何知道？高高興興的進來，心中想道：「方才聘才的笑話，不過笑我近視眼，他就罵起他來，還把個痰盒打出來。夫妻還沒有作親，他就這樣幫著我，那裡有這種好老婆。」
連忙把僕婦丫頭打發開了，脫了外面的衣裳，掩了門，將蠟花剪的亮亮的，揭開帳子，挑了紅巾，將燈一照，喜得元茂骨軟筋酥。雪白桃花似的一個銀盆臉，烏雲似的一頭黑髮，彎流流翠生生的兩道黑眉，猩猩紅的一張櫻桃小口，粉香油膩，蘭麝襲人。元茂喜得了不得，與他寬衣解帶，那新娘便先鑽入被內去了。元茂也忙忙脫了衣服，挨進了被窩，自有一番舉動，那新娘半推半就的成了一度。
見新娘遞塊帕子與他，元茂想起有什麼元紅的說法，把帕子擦了，揌在枕邊，明日試驗。心中想這滋味真覺有趣，要想句話說說，又找不出來。睡了一睡，又來了一度。一牀被褥都是新綿的，況且是二月初十，天氣已暖，元茂動得一身汗似蒸籠是的，頭上的汗流下不住。下來歇了，忽摸著那塊帕子，他也忘記是方才用過的，便拿來滿臉滿頭一擦。掀開半牀被，透了透熱氣，然後睡著。
絕早新娘已先起來，另在一間房梳頭。元茂起來，擦了臉，穿了衣，悄悄的將那塊帕子揣在懷裡，要想去看新人梳頭，已被伴婆拉了出去見泰山，並有些長親等類，耽擱了好一回。新人梳妝已畢，華服豔妝的在房裡低頭坐著。元茂挨近身邊，也掙出幾句話來，新娘唯有含笑不答，也偷看元茂，團頭大臉，除了眉毛眼睛之外，也還生得平正，比自己兩位令弟好看多了，心內也倒歡喜。再看他臉上有些黑氣，隱隱的一條一塊，深的淺的，花花落落，倒像個煤黑子擦臉擦不乾淨的樣子。心上想道：「必是洗臉不用胰子，明日叫他多擦些胰子就好了。」元茂看了一回，得意已極，想道：「從今好了，不用外邊閒闖了。」又想到那塊帕子，便走到外間無人處，從懷中掏出來，兩手將那帕子扯直一看，不覺呆了。想了一想：「必是拿錯了。」翻身到內，到牀上四角一翻，不見，再到被底、枕底一翻，也沒有。
旁邊一個僕婦問道：「姑爺人找什麼東西？等我來找。」元茂見了有好些丫頭、老婆子在房中，又不好說。只得出來，再到無人處，將那帕子細看，見一條條的漆不像漆，油不像油、黑不像墨，真猜不出是什麼東西。聞一聞有點油香，又有些汗氣，撲嗤的笑了一聲，想道：「怪不得他的乃弟滿口通文，雖他姐姐□裡頭，也有這許多黑水。」既又想道：「決無此理。」又翻轉帕子來細細一看，看到一處在那黑油之外，浸出一點紅色來，似淡胭脂水一般，聞聞沒有氣息。再細細的想了一回，恍然大悟道：「是了，是了！這一點紅影影的，就是元紅無疑。這些黑的必是昨日人家和我頑，捉弄我，把些黑油涂在我頭上，或是帽子裡。出了汗，我誤將此帕擦了。」便又揌入袖中。進來吃過卯筵，燕爾新婚，自是如兄如弟。
過了幾日，元茂謝媒拜客，聽得王恂、仲清問他的新人怎樣得意，不說別樣，總說的是頭髮。有的說是白絲細髮，有的說是銀絲鶴髮，總不懂什麼意思。人家見他得意，也是詫異。
元茂忽想起聘才挨罵那一回，也是說了白髮、白陰毛，因此新人動氣，便有些疑心。又想：「自己臉上天天沾染些黑油，那塊帕子又是這樣，況且他起得絕早，另在一間房內梳妝，而且要關了門，這是何故？」疑心不決，又不敢問。來到房中，見他歡天喜地，戴滿了珠翠，分明一頭好髮，比漆還亮。要去聞聞他的頭，又被他推開。忽又轉念道：「或者頭髮原是黑的，陰毛倒是白的，故此人家講這些話。」又想道：「就算他有幾根白陰毛，外人那能知道呢？若果如此，那就不好了。」又想道：「這個念頭起不得，等我今晚拔他一根，明日看看，便知分曉。」好容易盼到黃昏，二人睡了。元茂摸了那件寶貝，卻是毛絨絨的一塊草地，卻又不忍拔，恐他疼痛。便又上去胡鬧了一番，下來再把手撫摸，意欲要他自脫下來，於心始安。忽然竟得了一根，心中喜極，兩指捏緊了，探出一隻手來，在褥子底下摸了一張紙，包好了。想來想去，沒有放處，恐他搜著，便揌在辮頂裡。
那孫氏也猜不出他作什麼。元茂費了半夜心，早上又睡著了。孫氏梳好了頭，元茂才起來淨臉時，就牢記著髮頂裡有紙包，急忙帶上帽子，跑到外間，打開一開，卻是漆黑的一根。
元茂歡喜道：「白疑心了幾天，那班刻薄鬼原來是瞎說的。」才放了心。可笑元茂呆到二十分，費了半夜心，得了一毛，誰知還是他自己身上擦下來的，他當他老婆的，就疑心盡釋了。
約過了半月，那一天事當敗露。孫氏梳頭時，覺得身上有些涼，叫丫鬟出去拿件半臂來穿，不料元茂已起來，見丫鬟拿了衣服進那間屋裡去，他就跟了進去，不及關門。只見坐著一個人，身穿件大紅緊身，披著一頭銀絲似的細髮，有三尺餘長，兩道淡金色眉毛。李元茂心中唬了一大跳，當是遇見了鬼，欲要轉身，心中想道：「穿的衣服分明是他，難道真是白人？」急走近時，孫氏也嚇了一跳，遮掩不及，臉都漲得飛紅。李元茂仔細一看，一口氣直沖上來，說道：「原來如此，我該倒運，娶了一個妖精。這是《西遊記》上的不老婆婆。也要嫁人，笑死了，笑死了！」孫氏一聽，又羞又氣，一面哭起來，一面罵道：「我們待你這麼樣，我是千金小姐，留贅你一個白身人，你還不知足，倒嫌我！我就頭髮白了些，那一樣不如你，難道還配不上一個□瞅眼兒？你嫌我，你就休了我！」使起性子，乒乒乓乓，把零碎砸了一地。李元茂在那間咕咕嚕嚕的也罵不完，兩人鬧了一早晨。
原來孫氏那幾天把香油調了燈煤，再和了柿漆。先梳好了，然後將油漆細細的刷上，比人的還光還亮。就是天天要洗一回，不然就難梳，而且也刷不上去。洗時用皂莢水一桶，用硼砂、明礬洗乾淨，晾得半乾，然後梳挽，也要一個時辰。今日略遲了些，因此敗露。元茂氣哄哄的崛了出去，在魏聘才的處住了兩天。聘才問其所以然，他只得直說了。聘才恍然大悟，遂明白前日的笑話，竟說到板眼裡去了。
孫氏見丈夫兩三天不回，心上急了，稟明了父母。亮功大怒，陸夫人也有了氣，便著人到梅宅上一問，沒有去。又各處找尋，找到了聘才處，找著了。元茂尚不肯回去，聘才力勸，方同了來人回家，猶不肯進房，在書房中同嗣徽說閒話。晚間亮功回來，即說了元茂幾句，陸夫人也責備了元茂一番，然究竟心上有些對不住元茂，半說半勸的叫他進房。元茂也沒奈何，只得進去，心上猶記著那天的模樣，總不能高興。
孫姑娘見他進來，要他先上來陪話，坐著不動。燈光之下，元茂依然看了黑白分明，是個美人，心上便活動了些，只得先說了一句話，孫氏也慢慢的答了一句。元茂垂著頭，閉著眼，想了一回，想得了一個絕妙的主意，跳將起來，對著孫氏嘻嘻的笑。孫氏見他回心轉意，反倒拿腔作勢要收服他，冷冷的不言語，自己對鏡顧影，做作一番。元茂忍不住道：「你何妨對我直講，要瞞我作什麼？我們既成了夫婦，自然拆不開了。我看你天天梳頭要上漆，就費力得緊，而且也不便，天天擦得我一臉黑油，惹人笑話。我如今想了一個好法，又省事，又好看，又油不到我臉上來，不知你要不要？」孫氏聽了，不知他有什麼法子，便問道：「依你便怎樣？」元茂道：「如小旦上裝，用個網巾一紮，豈不省事？你那一頭銀絲罩在裡面，有誰看得出來？再不然，索性拿他剃掉了，倒也乾淨。」孫氏道：「剃是剃不得，依你戴個網巾罷，恰也便當。我也怕上這些油，明早我就著人去買。」元茂道：「你臉上也要天天拿剃刀刮刮，不然也有些黃寒毛出來。你若刮了寒毛，戴上網巾，倒可以算得絕色美人了。」
孫氏被他說得喜歡，便也笑顏悅色起來，道：「此刻尚早，何不著人去買了，明日就可用了。」元茂道：「買了來，今晚就用，省得又染我一臉。」孫氏叫丫頭出去告訴了管事的，叫他買一個網巾、一個髻子、一個燕尾，速速的辦來。果然不多一刻，即買齊了。孫氏喜歡不盡，即刻熬了一罐皂莢水，把油煤洗刷乾淨，洗了很釅的兩大盆，似染坊中靛青一般。也等不得乾，元茂拿一塊布與他抹了扐，扐了又抹。
元茂又叫他索性把鬢腳及四圍修去些，便不露出來。孫氏也叫老婆子用剃刀刮去一轉，把眉毛也索性刮掉了，臉上也刮得光光的。把網巾戴上，真髮盤了一圈，加上那假髻子，將簪子別好，紮上燕尾，額上戴上個翠翹，畫了眉，真加了幾分標緻。
晚上看了，竟是個醉楊妃一樣。孫氏叫點了兩枝大蠟，一前一後用兩面鏡子照了，覺得美不可言。元茂看了，也心花大開，走攏來，把他頭上聞了一聞，將臉上擦了兩擦，微有一點油，不像前頭落色了。喜孜孜的支開了丫頭，攜手上牀，同入鴛衾，開了一枝夜合花。元茂忽又想起前夜拔毛之事，便問孫氏道：「我聞得天老兒是渾身寒毛都是白的，為什麼你下身的毛倒是黑的？」孫氏道：「也不甚黑。」元茂道：「好人，給我看看。」
孫氏不肯，元茂道：「我還嫌你？如今我都替你這麼樣了，還隱藏作什麼？」孫氏不語。元茂赤身下牀，攜了燭照，把被揭開，孫氏尚要遮掩，元茂見他身上真是雪霜似的，甚為可愛。
看到那妙處，好似騎了一區銀鬃馬，倒應了聘才的笑話，真像一相蠅拂子遮著。元茂忍不住笑了一聲，把他擰了一把。孫氏罵道：「作什麼，你原也是個近視眼，何不也聞聞？」元茂看動了心，放了燈，上牀去了。穢事休題，且看下回分解。
Here is the full translation of the provided text:
Wang Xun could not attend the appointment at Yi Garden the other day because he was busy helping Sun Lianggong prepare for a wedding. He had been helping organize for several days. The wedding was set for the tenth day of the second month, which was only a few days away. At the beginning of the New Year, Li Xingquan sent a few hundred taels of silver to Yuanmao and also wrote a letter to Wang Wenhui asking him to arrange the marriage for his son. Wang Wenhui, being impatient with matchmaking, assigned Wang Xun to handle everything. Li Yuanmao sought help from Wei Pintai to arrange everything on his behalf. Wei Pintai had been running around for over a month, spending and losing a lot of silver, and failing to solve a robbery case, which had left him feeling frustrated and unable to come to a decision. Now that Li Yuanmao was seeking his help, he thought that since he and Wang Wenhui had originally been matchmakers, he could use this as an excuse to visit Wenhui. So, he agreed and added, “You borrowed my bracelet last year, and now it’s time to return it to me. The longer you delay, the more interest you owe.”
Yuanmao replied, “Father only sent three hundred taels of silver for the wedding, but I’m afraid that won’t be enough. I have nowhere else to borrow money. If you insist on collecting this debt, you’ll be the death of me.”
Pintai responded, “That’s strange! How is it my fault? Last year, you promised to return it as soon as you received a letter from home. Now, it’s become difficult to even ask you for it.”
Yuanmao said, “Don’t worry. Once I get married, I’ll redeem the bracelet.”
Pintai laughed, “Once you’re married, you’ll have even less money.”
Yuanmao said, “Even if I don’t have money, she should.”
Pintai asked, “Who is ‘she’?”
Yuanmao laughed and said, “My wife. Not only this debt but also a lot of other money will come from her.”
Pintai laughed and said, “Your wife has money?”
Yuanmao replied, “Of course!”
Pintai said, “You’re the one who said the money would come from her.”
Yuanmao said, “I’m just thinking that she’ll have some dowry. Once we’re married, it will all be mine. Do you think I’d have trouble redeeming a bracelet from her?”
Pintai said, “If you rely on your wife’s money, you’re not much of a man.”
Yuanmao responded, “What’s wrong with that? It’s not as if the money came from ill-gotten gains.”
The two joked around for a while, and then Yuanmao left.
The next day, Pintai went to visit Wang Wenhui, but Wenhui had gone to the office, so Wang Xun received him. They went together to see Lianggong and exchanged pleasantries. Lianggong said, “This is a family connection, and we should simplify things. I don’t want him to spend even a single coin; I’ll take care of everything.” He then invited Pintai to stay for a meal.
Three days before the wedding, Pintai had no choice but to go find Yuanmao. He couldn’t avoid seeing Lady Yan, as it had been several months since he last visited, and there had been an incident last year. He felt uneasy. Lady Yan didn’t ask about past events and only inquired about a few matters in a casual manner. Pintai also went to see Ziyu, but Ziyu, remembering what Qinyan had said the other day, felt somewhat annoyed with him and no longer treated him as warmly as before.
Mei Jin handled Yuanmao’s wedding preparations on his behalf, including the arrangements for the hairpins, rings, and bangles, as well as the colorful silk robes. He also borrowed Lady Yan’s pearl crown, jade belt, ceremonial robes, court beads, dragon robes, and embroidered skirts, packing everything into sixteen boxes and setting up a pavilion, which created quite an impressive scene. Two matchmakers escorted the items. The Sun family accepted them, but the return gifts were modest, with nothing particularly rare or valuable.
On the day of the wedding, the Mei family’s servants took care of the arrangements, preparing two banquet tables—one for Lady Yan and another for the matchmakers, with Ziyu and Yan Zhongqing accompanying them. Zhongqing remarked, “Brother Yuan, tonight you’ve truly reached the heights of Mount Qunyu.”
Wang Xun added, “A life of glory and wealth until old age.”
Ziyu said, “‘Looking at each other’s shadows in the light of the lanterns, the more we rub our eyes, the blurrier it gets.’ This is a poem for those with nearsightedness on their wedding night, and today it’s perfect for Brother Yuan.”
Yuanmao said, “I think it’s a good thing to be nearsighted. If the bride isn’t that attractive, I won’t be able to see her clearly.”
Zhongqing laughed, “But what if she’s beautiful? Wouldn’t that be a waste?”
Yuanmao smiled and said, “I don’t think my bride will be particularly beautiful. I’ve heard some things, and as long as she doesn’t look like those two brothers, I’ll be happy.”
At the auspicious time, they escorted Yuanmao to the Sun residence, where musicians played and drums sounded to welcome him. The bride was the daughter of Lianggong’s first wife, and his current wife didn’t care much for her, so the ceremony was kept simple. Among the female guests was only Mrs. Lu, the wife of Lu Zongyuan’s elder brother, who brought her young daughter. The groom’s family had already sent their congratulations earlier in the day. It was Ji Liangxuan who pretended to create a lively atmosphere, hoping to stir up some mischief in the bridal chamber, though two troublemakers were already taking care of that.
Yuanmao and the bride completed the wedding ceremony under the bridal canopy, then entered the bridal chamber, sat on the bed, and threw the red envelopes. After drinking the wedding wine, the groom was invited back to the banquet table to join the feast. Shihui and Shiyuan kept him company for a while, and then Wang Xun and Zhongqing suggested moving the banquet into the bridal chamber to continue drinking. Everyone entered the bridal chamber, and Zhongqing said, “Now we can see the bride,” and walked toward the bed.
There were two old women standing beside the bed as attendants, along with two young maids. Shiyuan, worried that Zhongqing might see his sister, rushed to the bed and held the curtain door shut, repeatedly saying the word “look” before managing to utter the words “not allowed,” causing everyone to laugh. Wang Xun pulled Zhongqing back to sit down, but Shiyuan was still uneasy and kept a tight grip on the curtain, prompting everyone to laugh quietly. Shihui said, “The relationship between a husband and wife is a fundamental human bond, so how can outsiders intrude? Fortunately, the brothers are quarreling at the bedside, protecting her from disgrace. Otherwise, the purity of snow would have been seen by all ten eyes.” Ziyu laughed loudly at this. Wang Xun said to Zhongqing, “This is truly a case of ‘Don’t provoke me, or the dragon will bark.’” Zhongqing also smiled slightly. Li Yuanmao was beaming as he drank.
Let me know if you’d like any further details or clarifications!
Here is the full translation of the second provided passage:
Ji Liangxuan had met Wang Xun and Zhongqing a few times before, but this was the first time meeting Ziyu. Ziyu thought to himself, “This young Master Mei is quite good-looking. Compared to that old Sun Hui, he resembles the likes of Cen Peng or Ma Wu from the theater.”
Pintai asked Ji Liangxuan, “I haven’t seen your master for several days. What’s he been up to at home?”
Liangxuan replied, “In the past couple of days, my master has been feeling unwell and can’t move around much.”
Pintai asked, “What kind of illness?”
Liangxuan responded, “I heard he has a boil on his leg, so he hasn’t been going out.”
The gathering was split into three groups: Ziyu, Zhongqing, and Wang Xun in one; the Sun brothers in another; and Pintai and Liangxuan in the third. This division made the atmosphere less lively. Wang Xun, being a naturally amiable person, saw that the groups weren’t interacting much and tried to bring everyone together. In the bridal chamber, seating was haphazard, and no one gave way to another. Pintai and Liangxuan sat together on one side, while Zhongqing and Ziyu sat on another. Yuanmao sat alone at the head, and Wang Xun and Shihui sat at the lower end.
They called Shiyuan over, but he refused and pulled a stool over to sit in front of the bed. Ji Liangxuan, smiling at Ziyu, said, “Young Master Mei doesn’t often go out. This is my first time meeting you. If you’re ever in the mood, why not visit my master’s place one day? He’s very easy to get along with.”
Ziyu, not knowing who Liangxuan’s master was, gave a vague reply. He privately asked Wang Xun, who answered, “It’s Xi Shiyi.” Upon hearing this, Ziyu was filled with anger and ignored him. Liangxuan then turned to Yuanmao and said, “My cousin is unmatched in virtue. Brother Li, you’re truly fortunate to marry into such a good family. Our esteemed uncle will soon be assigned to a post either in Sichuan’s Kuizhou Prefecture or Hunan’s Chenzhou Prefecture. As his son-in-law, Brother Li, you’ll be indispensable at his side. It won’t be just about managing finances; you might end up handling all internal and external affairs.”
Zhongqing found this amusing and couldn’t help but ask, “What kind of relationship do you have with the Sun family?”
Liangxuan replied, “Brother Sun’s maternal aunt and uncle are my second aunt’s sister-in-law’s cousin’s cousin. That’s a new connection. As for our old family ties, the late Madame Sun’s maternal grandfather was my father-in-law’s father-in-law.”
Zhongqing laughed, and Pintai added, “This relation is so thin it might as well be the white of an egg.”
Liangxuan replied, “Though it’s a distant connection, it’s still better than having no relatives at all. I once heard a couplet that goes: ‘Is there no literary talent to amaze the nation? And no relatives in the imperial court?’”
He continued, “But I’m just rambling. All of you here are connected to prominent officials, and our two esteemed relatives need no introduction. Young Master Li is the son of a magistrate, and Young Master Mei is the son of a grand academician. Young Master Wang is the son of a minister, and Young Master Yan is a favored guest of the minister. Even Mr. Wei was once an esteemed guest at the Grand Marshal’s residence. You’re all distinguished gentlemen. Only I, a humble house guest, will have to rely on your support and guidance in the future.” His words were sickeningly flattering.
Zhongqing couldn’t hold back and asked, “If we trace our connections the way you describe, wouldn’t we all be related, as long as we turn a few more corners?”
Liangxuan repeatedly agreed, saying, “Exactly!”
Ziyu smiled slightly. Yuanmao commented, “Not only can I not trace these connections, but I can’t even hear them clearly. It’s all like a gourd dragging a bean vine.”
Pintai laughed, “A tangled mess in the midst of busy times.”
Shihui remarked, “Kinship is important, and all living creatures respect their relatives. To be close to one’s relatives is a sign of benevolence.”
Hearing his brother speak, Shiyuan immediately wanted to argue and stuttered, “Th-this reasoning d-doesn’t m-make sense. You s-say all living b-beings respect their relatives, but even c-crabs don’t have b-blood, and t-turtles have blood, so are you saying t-the turtle is your relative too? I certainly d-don’t have that many relatives.” After saying this, he burst into laughter, and the entire room joined in.
Shihui, slightly irritated, responded, “You are a fool, unworthy of discussion.”
Shiyuan replied, “I may n-not be a fool, but you’re certainly a d-dead man! A dead man doesn’t treasure anything, but the righteous treasure their kin!”
Everyone laughed even harder.
Zhongqing said, “I also have a ready-made joke. One day, the Dragon King of the Sea was releasing monsters for reincarnation. Many had already been released. At the end, the sea patrol yaksha dug out two creatures from the mud and asked the Dragon King to release them. The Dragon King saw that one was a turtle and the other a toad. The Dragon King said, ‘I’m a bit uneasy about letting these two go. Tell them to find someone to vouch for them.’ The turtle pointed to the Prime Minister Turtle next to him and said, ‘He’s my kinsman.’ He then pointed to General Snake and said, ‘He’s my relative.’ The Dragon King replied, ‘It’s enough that the Prime Minister is your kinsman. Why are you bringing up a relative now?’ The turtle explained, ‘Not only is he my relative, but we also share the same lineage. Turtles can’t reproduce on their own, so we need snakes to help. Although I belong to the turtle clan, we share snake blood, so he’s both a relative and kinsman.’ The Dragon King laughed and said, ‘Since you have such fine relatives, I’ll let you go.’ Then he turned to the toad and asked, ‘Do you have any kinsmen or relatives?’ The toad replied, ‘Everyone is my kinsman, and everyone is my relative.’ The Dragon King, angry, asked, ‘How could that be?’ The toad answered, ‘We toads are born from the leftover essence in human waste. That’s why I resemble a human. Isn’t everyone my kinsman and every person my relative?’ The Dragon King was startled and said, ‘Let him go quickly before he tries to claim kinship with me. I don’t want a toad relative!’”
Pintai, Wang Xun, and Ziyu laughed so hard they almost fell over. Shihui and Liangxuan, knowing they were being insulted, couldn’t think of a response and had to endure it in silence. Shiyuan, seeing them ridiculed, laughed instead, saying, “A fine turtle relative, a fine toad relative indeed!”
Wang Xun then said, “I also have a joke. There was once a blind prostitute. Although she couldn’t see, she could distinguish people by their status. One day, she entertained three customers. The madam asked her, ‘Girl, can you guess the status of the three men who visited today?’ The blind prostitute replied, ‘The first one was a scholar, the second a criminal case handler, and the third a nearsighted fool.’ The madam asked, ‘How did you figure that out?’ The prostitute explained, ‘The first one came in, gently spread my legs apart, then closed them again, treating me as both front and back. I heard him say, “Light here, heavy there. One deep, one shallow.” That’s how I knew he was a scholar. The second one came in, examined me carefully, and I heard him say, “A scar on the left temple, claw marks on the right breast, slanted an inch and two-tenths.” He then added, “Legs straight, hands apart.” Isn’t that the way a criminal case handler examines things? The third one was strange. He came in and just looked at my private parts. His eyebrows were like brushes, tickling me. He looked, then sniffed, then looked again. That’s how I knew he was a nearsighted fool.’”
Everyone burst out laughing, even the old woman and the maids. From inside the curtain, there was a faint sound of laughter—it seemed the bride was laughing too, covering her mouth tightly. Shiyuan said, “That nearsighted fool sounds like Brother Li, and that criminal case handler must be Brother Ji.”
Liangxuan laughed and said, “No, no, I’m no case handler, I must be a coroner.”
Li Yuanmao responded, “I don’t believe eyebrows can tickle.”
Ziyu laughed, “Your eyebrows aren’t exactly light either.”
Shihui said, “Of the three, I’d choose to be the scholar.”
Pintai added, “I have a joke too. There were two brothers, both nearsighted but neither willing to admit it. The elder brother
always said the younger’s eyesight was poor, and the younger laughed at the elder’s weak vision. Next to their house was a shrine with a new plaque hanging. The two decided to test their eyesight by reading the plaque to see who could see it more clearly. These two also happened to be short. The elder told the younger to squat down so he could stand on his shoulders. The younger stood up, and the elder carefully examined the plaque. After a while, he climbed down and said to his brother, ‘Now it’s your turn to go up and look.’ The younger brother followed suit and then asked his elder brother, ‘What did you see written on it?’”
Let me know if you’d like any clarifications!
Here is the full translation of the passage you provided:
His elder brother said, “I saw a pawnshop sign. It must mean they’ve opened a pawnshop here. The characters clearly say ‘Even dirt can be pawned,’ meaning that even dirt can be accepted as a pawn. Let’s go home and bring two loads of dirt to pawn.”
The younger brother laughed and said, “Brother, you’re mistaken. What I saw written was ‘Fall into their trap.’ If we bring dirt and they refuse to accept it, wouldn’t we be falling into their trap?”
The elder brother thought his younger brother made sense, so they both went home together. One day, the two decided to compete again to test their eyesight. The younger brother said, “Brother, don’t compete with me. For example, if you describe my appearance and I describe yours, we don’t really know ourselves well, so neither of us would believe the other. However, I clearly remember what my sister-in-law looks like, and you certainly know what my wife looks like too. Now, let’s each describe our wives’ appearances, and we’ll see whose eyesight is better.”
The elder brother, thinking the younger brother made another good point, nodded in agreement. However, as he tried to recall his wife’s appearance, he found it to be vague and indistinct. His younger brother also couldn’t remember clearly, so they both hurried into their homes. The elder brother went to his house and didn’t see his wife right away. After searching, he found her in the milling room, sifting flour, and her face and hair were covered in a layer of white powder. He carefully approached and examined her face closely before going back outside to sit and wait for his brother.
The younger brother, meanwhile, rushed into his house and found the door closed. He pushed it open and saw his wife about to take a bath, her pants already off. When she saw her husband, she felt embarrassed and grabbed something nearby to cover herself. The only thing within reach was a fly whisk, so she used it to cover her private parts. The younger brother, seeing the fine strands of the whisk, was truly astonished. He bent down to look more closely and then hurried out as well.
When he saw his elder brother sitting there laughing, he asked, “What’s so funny?”
The elder brother replied, “Brother, I must admit, my eyesight isn’t as good as yours. I’ve been married for five years, and today is the first time I noticed that my wife is an old woman with a full head of white hair.”
The younger brother sighed and said, “Brother, your wife’s white hair is nothing strange. I just discovered that my wife’s pubic hair is completely white.”
Everyone burst out laughing. Suddenly, from inside the curtain, the bride started cursing, “Who’s the bastard spouting such vulgar nonsense here? Your mother’s the old one! Your grandmother’s the old one!” Before she could finish, she threw something out, breaking two bowls, leaving everyone stunned and staring at each other in shock. Shiyuan, seeing his sister angry, jumped up and started cursing as well. Everyone quickly lost interest and hurriedly stood up to leave, scattering in all directions. Yuanmao and Shihui were also caught off guard and had no choice but to see the guests off, escorting them to their carriages.
It turned out that Pintai’s joke, although intended to poke fun at Li Yuanmao’s nearsightedness, had inadvertently offended the bride. She was known as an “old woman” with a head of white hair; even her eyebrows and body hair were white. In the north, such people were called “Tian Lao” (Heavenly Old), while in the south, they were referred to as “White Sheep.” Furthermore, she had a notoriously fierce temperament. Now thirty years old, she was well-known far and wide, but no one had been willing to marry her, so she was reluctantly given to Yuanmao. How could Yuanmao have known? He had come into the wedding full of joy, thinking, “Pintai’s joke was just teasing me about being nearsighted, but she got so angry and even threw the spittoon at me! We’re not even officially married yet, and she’s already standing up for me. What a wonderful wife!”
He quickly dismissed the maids and servants, removed his outer clothing, and closed the door. He trimmed the candle wicks until they burned brightly, lifted the curtain, and uncovered the red veil. When the light shone on her, Yuanmao was so overjoyed that his bones turned soft and his muscles melted. Her face was like a silver basin, smooth and white as peach blossoms; her hair, black as clouds; her eyebrows, arched and green; and her small mouth, red as cherries. She exuded the fragrance of powder and oil, mingled with the scent of orchids and musk. Yuanmao was thrilled beyond words. He began undressing her, and the bride slipped into the bed first. Yuanmao hurriedly undressed himself and slid into bed, where they shared a moment of intimacy. The bride, half pushing and half yielding, finally completed the act.
The bride handed him a handkerchief afterward, and Yuanmao remembered the custom of checking for a bloodstain. He wiped himself with the handkerchief and tucked it under his pillow, planning to inspect it the next day. He thought to himself, “That was truly delightful.” He wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. After sleeping for a while, they had another round. The bed was filled with new blankets, and since it was already the tenth day of the second month, the weather had warmed. Yuanmao worked up such a sweat that his head was drenched, and sweat poured down his face like steam. After resting for a while, he accidentally touched the handkerchief and, forgetting that he had already used it, wiped his face and head with it. He lifted part of the blanket to let the heat out and then fell asleep.
At dawn, the bride had already gotten up and was in another room combing her hair. Yuanmao got up, washed his face, and put on his clothes. He quietly took the handkerchief and slipped it into his pocket, intending to see the bride while she combed her hair. However, the attendant pulled him away to meet his father-in-law and other elder relatives, which took up quite some time. By the time he returned, the bride had already finished dressing and sat quietly in the room, wearing her luxurious clothes and makeup. Yuanmao approached her and managed to say a few words. The bride only smiled silently, occasionally stealing glances at Yuanmao. With his round head and large face, apart from his eyebrows and eyes, he wasn’t too bad-looking—certainly better than her two younger brothers. She felt somewhat pleased.
Looking at his face more closely, she noticed some dark spots, faint streaks and patches here and there, as if he hadn’t properly cleaned the coal dust from his face. She thought to herself, “He probably didn’t use soap to wash his face. I’ll ask him to scrub more thoroughly with soap tomorrow.”
Yuanmao, after watching her for a while, was extremely pleased. He thought, “From now on, everything will be fine. No more wandering around outside aimlessly.” He then remembered the handkerchief and went to a quiet spot in the outer room. Taking it out of his pocket, he held the handkerchief open with both hands and, upon seeing it, was stunned. After thinking for a moment, he muttered, “I must have grabbed the wrong one.” He quickly turned back to the inner room, lifted the bed covers, and searched all four corners. Not finding it, he checked under the bedding and pillows, but it wasn’t there either.
Let me know if you’d like any clarifications!
Here is the full translation of the provided passage:
A maid nearby asked, “What is the young master looking for? Let me help you find it.” Yuanmao saw that there were several maids and older women in the room, so he didn’t feel comfortable explaining. He had no choice but to leave the room, and when he found a quiet spot, he examined the handkerchief closely. He saw streaks on it that didn’t look like paint, oil, or ink, and he couldn’t figure out what it was. When he smelled it, there was a faint scent of oil mixed with the smell of sweat, and he chuckled to himself, thinking, “No wonder her brother is so articulate; it seems his sister also has a lot of ‘black water’ in her.” But then he thought, “That doesn’t make sense.” He flipped the handkerchief over and examined it again, finding a faint red stain, like diluted rouge. When he sniffed it again, there was no scent. After pondering for a while, he suddenly realized, “Ah, I get it! That faint red mark must be the bridal blood, no doubt about it. As for the black marks, they must be from someone playing a prank on me yesterday, smearing some black oil on my head or hat. With all the sweat, I must have wiped it with this handkerchief by mistake.” Relieved, he tucked the handkerchief back into his sleeve.
Later, he went inside for the morning wedding feast. As a newlywed, his relationship with his bride was warm and harmonious, like that between siblings.
A few days passed, and when Yuanmao was thanking the matchmakers and guests, he overheard Wang Xun and Zhongqing asking him how he was enjoying his new bride. Instead of talking about anything else, Yuanmao always focused on her hair. Some people described it as “white silk strands,” others as “silver crane hair,” leaving Yuanmao somewhat confused. People were puzzled to see him so pleased.
Yuanmao suddenly recalled that the bride had gotten angry when Pintai was being scolded, and it had something to do with mentioning white hair and white pubic hair. This made Yuanmao suspicious. He also thought, “Every day my face gets stained with black oil, and that handkerchief had black stains too. Besides, she gets up very early, goes to another room to comb her hair, and always locks the door. Why is that?” His suspicions grew, but he didn’t dare ask her directly.
When he returned to the room, he found his wife in a cheerful mood, her head adorned with pearls and jade, and her hair, jet-black and shiny like lacquer. When he tried to sniff her hair, she playfully pushed him away. He suddenly thought, “Maybe her hair is naturally black, but her pubic hair is white, which is why people make such comments.” He also thought, “But how would others know about white pubic hair? If that’s true, then this is bad.” He then decided, “I’ll pull out one of her hairs tonight and check it tomorrow. That way, I’ll know for sure.”
Finally, evening came, and the two of them went to bed. Yuanmao reached for her precious “treasure,” feeling the soft, furry “grassland,” but he couldn’t bring himself to pull out a hair, fearing it would hurt her. So, he played around for a while longer. When he touched her again, he hoped the hair would fall out on its own, which would put his mind at ease. Suddenly, he managed to pull out a hair. He was overjoyed and carefully held it between his fingers, then fumbled around under the bed covers until he found a piece of paper to wrap it in. After thinking for a while, he couldn’t find a safe place to hide it and worried that his wife might discover it, so he tucked it into the top of his braid.
Madam Sun had no idea what he was up to. Yuanmao, having spent half the night on this, fell asleep in the morning. Madam Sun had already finished combing her hair when Yuanmao finally got up to wash his face. He still remembered the paper-wrapped hair hidden in his braid, so he hurriedly put on his hat and ran outside. Once he was alone, he opened the paper and found the hair—jet-black.
Yuanmao was overjoyed. “I’ve been worrying for nothing these past few days. It turns out those mean-spirited people were just making things up.” Finally, he was at ease. What a fool Yuanmao had been, spending half the night trying to get a hair, only to find out it was one of his own! He had completely stopped doubting his wife.
About half a month later, the truth came to light. One day, as Madam Sun was combing her hair, she felt a bit chilly and asked a maid to fetch a half-sleeved jacket for her. Unbeknownst to her, Yuanmao had already woken up and saw the maid carrying the clothes into the room. He followed her in without closing the door. Inside, he saw someone sitting there, dressed in a bright red form-fitting robe, with over three feet of long, silver-white hair flowing down their back and two pale golden eyebrows. Li Yuanmao was so startled that he thought he’d seen a ghost and wanted to turn around and leave. But then he thought, “That’s clearly my wife’s clothing. Could she really be a white-haired woman?” He hurried closer, and Madam Sun, realizing she’d been caught off guard, quickly tried to cover up, her face turning bright red in embarrassment. Yuanmao took a closer look, and his anger flared up. “So this is it! My bad luck—I married a monster. She’s like the old hag from Journey to the West, trying to get married. It’s laughable, just laughable!”
Madam Sun, both ashamed and furious, started to cry and scold him. “We’ve treated you so well! I’m a noblewoman, yet you, a man with no status, were lucky enough to marry into my family, and you’re still not satisfied? Just because my hair is a bit white, how am I any worse than you? Do you think you deserve better, you cross-eyed fool? If you don’t like me, then divorce me!” In a fit of temper, she began smashing things around the room. Yuanmao, muttering angrily, continued to curse under his breath, and the two of them quarreled all morning.
It turned out that Madam Sun had been using a mixture of oil and lampblack, combined with persimmon lacquer, to dye her hair. After combing it, she would carefully apply the lacquer, making her hair glossier and shinier than most people’s. However, she had to wash it every day; otherwise, it would be difficult to comb, and the lacquer wouldn’t stick. To wash it, she used a bucket of soapberry water, mixed with borax and alum to clean it thoroughly. After letting it air-dry, she would comb and arrange it, which took a whole hour. That day, she was running late, and so her secret was revealed.
Furious, Yuanmao stormed out and stayed at Wei Pintai’s place for two days. Pintai asked him what had happened, and Yuanmao had no choice but to tell the truth. Pintai suddenly understood and realized that the previous joke about white hair had hit the mark more than he had intended.
Madam Sun, worried when her husband didn’t return after two or three days, informed her parents. Lianggong was furious, and even Madam Lu became upset. They sent people to the Mei household to inquire, but Yuanmao wasn’t there. After searching elsewhere, they finally found him at Pintai’s place. Yuanmao still refused to return home, but Pintai persuaded him, and he eventually went back with the messenger. However, Yuanmao still wouldn’t enter the bedroom, choosing instead to stay in the study and chat with Shihui.
That evening, when Lianggong returned, he scolded Yuanmao, and Madam Lu also reprimanded him. However, both of them felt a bit guilty about how they had treated Yuanmao, so their scolding turned into a mix of reprimands and persuasion, urging him to return to the bedroom. Yuanmao had no choice but to comply, but he couldn’t shake the memory of what he had seen, and he was still in a foul mood.
Miss Sun, seeing him come in, wanted him to come over and talk, but she sat there motionless. Under the light of the lamps, Yuanmao noticed again her striking black-and-white contrast, and saw that she was indeed beautiful. His mood lightened a little, and he managed to say something first. Madam Sun slowly responded. Yuanmao, with his head lowered and eyes closed, thought for a while and suddenly came up with a brilliant idea. He jumped up and laughed at Madam Sun. Seeing that he had changed his mind, she tried to act cold and distant, pretending to keep control of the situation, not speaking, and instead turning to gaze at her reflection in the mirror.
Yuanmao couldn’t hold back any longer and said, “Why bother hiding things from me? We’re married now, and we can’t be separated. I see that you go through so much trouble every day, applying lacquer to your hair, and it’s a real hassle. Plus, it’s inconvenient for me—every day I end up with black oil on my face, and people make fun of me. I’ve come up with a great idea: it’s easier, it looks good, and it won’t get my face dirty. What do you think?”
Madam Sun, unsure of what he
was suggesting, asked, “What do you propose?”
Yuanmao said, “Like in the theater, use a hairnet. Wrap up your silver hair in the net, and no one will notice. Or, better yet, shave it all off—it would be much cleaner.”
Madam Sun replied, “Shaving is out of the question, but using a hairnet sounds fine. I’m tired of applying that lacquer every day anyway. I’ll have someone buy one tomorrow.”
Yuanmao added, “You should also shave your face every day. You’ve got some fine, yellow facial hair starting to show. Once you shave it and wear the hairnet, you’ll truly be a stunning beauty.”
Let me know if you’d like any clarifications!
Here is the full translation of the passage you provided:
Madam Sun was pleased by what Yuanmao said and smiled warmly. She said, “It’s still early. Why not have someone go buy it now, so we can use it tomorrow?”
Yuanmao replied, “Once it’s bought, let’s use it tonight. That way, I won’t end up with another face full of oil.”
Madam Sun called the maid and told her to instruct the manager to buy a hairnet, a hairpiece, and a swallowtail hair ornament as quickly as possible. Sure enough, it didn’t take long before everything was purchased. Madam Sun was delighted and immediately prepared a pot of soapberry water, washing away all the oil and soot from her hair. She used two large basins, so full that the water looked as dark as indigo dye in a dyeing shop. She couldn’t wait for her hair to dry, so Yuanmao took a cloth and helped her dry it by rubbing it down several times.
Yuanmao also suggested that she trim her sideburns and the hair around the edges, so nothing would stick out. Madam Sun called an old maid to shave it off with a razor, and she even shaved her eyebrows. She also shaved her face until it was smooth and clean. After putting on the hairnet, she arranged her real hair into a bun, added the fake hairpiece, secured it with pins, and tied on the swallowtail ornament. She placed a green jade ornament on her forehead and drew on her eyebrows, which made her look even more elegant.
That evening, she looked as beautiful as a drunken Lady Yang (a famous beauty from Chinese history). Madam Sun had two large candles lit and used two mirrors, one in front and one behind, to admire herself. She found her appearance indescribably beautiful. Yuanmao was overjoyed as well. He came closer, sniffed her hair, and rubbed her face a few times. There was only a faint trace of oil, far less than before. Delighted, he sent the maid away, took Madam Sun by the hand, and they went to bed together, snuggling under the quilt.
Suddenly, Yuanmao remembered the incident from the previous night when he had pulled out a hair. He asked Madam Sun, “I’ve heard that ‘Tian Lao’ women (a nickname for women with white hair) have white body hair all over, but why is your body hair down there still black?”
Madam Sun replied, “It’s not entirely black.”
Yuanmao said, “Come on, let me take a look.”
Madam Sun refused. Yuanmao said, “Do you think I would mind? I’ve done so much for you already, so why are you still hiding things?”
Madam Sun said nothing. Yuanmao, now undressed, got out of bed, took a candle, and pulled back the quilt. Madam Sun still tried to cover herself, but Yuanmao saw that her body was as white as snow and frost, and he found it incredibly attractive.
When he got to the most interesting part, it felt like he was riding a silver-maned horse, bringing to mind Pintai’s joke. It truly resembled a fly whisk covering the area. Yuanmao couldn’t help but laugh and gave her a playful pinch. Madam Sun scolded him, “What are you doing? You’re just as nearsighted as ever. Why don’t you sniff it too?”
Yuanmao, now even more intrigued, put out the candle and climbed into bed. As for what happened next, that’s a tale for another time.
Let me know if you need any further clarification!