话说诸名士那日在怡园分题了些对子，经道翁一番赏识，具极欣喜，后又看了那篇序文，真是五体投地，不能不服。就是南湘、春航，是最不轻易服人的，此时也是真心拜倒。明日子云又请金吉甫到园，将那些联额看了，吉甫亦甚佩服。请道翁用真行字，写了十六扇屏风，吉甫荐的季十矮子在园中刻起来。
到了四月十一日，春航、南湘报中进士，南湘中了二十一名，春航中了三十四名，两人不消说都欢喜，把个蕙芳、兰保也乐得说不出来。南湘此番在京，借住在文泽处，因去年乃翁赴任时，将住宅卖去。蕙芳因春航在文泽处，虽彼此相安，但他出进虽没人说话，也常要到门房走走，因此觉得不甚便当。
又见南湘也中了，想他们二人的才学，是必入馆选的，即与春航、南湘商量，何不合租一所房子。他二人甚愿意，就托蕙芳留心，蕙芳又托人问了几处，皆不合意。一日来到子云处，说及此事，子云道：「何不到我园中来，也热闹些。且道翁已选了南昌府通判，不日就要赴任，玉侬是要同去的了，你们搬进来，不好么？」蕙芳道：「我是不搬进来。」子云道：「你也搬进来。」蕙芳道：「我要搬进来，还要等一两个月，此时还不能呢。」子云道：「桂岭那边丛桂山房就有三十几间屋子，竹君、湘帆二人很够住了。你去对他们讲，说我说的，不必另觅，将来如有家眷来了，再找不迟。我明日拣个日子去请他就是了。」蕙芳应了，又到次贤、琴仙处谈了一会。琴仙知道不日就要出京，回念旧时朋友相好一场，出京之后，不知何年再叙，甚觉缱绻，留蕙芳坐了半天，谈了好些话。蕙芳道：「你要出京，我们自然要送行的。但我令尊在家，拘拘束束，不甚畅快，须到外边去才好。」琴仙也应了。蕙芳谈了许久，方才辞出，见了春航、南湘、文泽，均将此话说明，度香要请他们二人过去，春航道：「竹君可以去，我这几日就想接家母与内人来，房子终要找的，省得挪来挪去。」南湘道：「我也看去不去，也在两可。」春航明日面辞了子云，说要接家眷来京，子云也不好相强。蕙芳也找着一所房子，甚是合式，就在鸣珂坊，与子玉相近。又替春航备了车马，新收了几个管家。那赶车的就是周小三，进来后，又荐他小舅子许老三，改名许贵，做了跟班，局面一变，暂且按下。
且說那奚十一病好之後，已養了一月有餘，此時性子減了好些，身體瘦了好些，煙癮又大了好些。但奚十一這個孽障，雖經了這番痛苦，就應該痛改前非，保身節欲。誰知他身體一健，仍舊不安本分。況且內有菊花，外有巴英官，這兩重前後門是封鎖不來的，未免也要應酬應酬。無奈那厥物甚不妥當，不動作時倒也不覺怎樣，此時原只剩了半截，沒頭沒腦，頗不壯觀。到動興時，內中有一條筋脹得生疼，要勉強應酬幾下，也是不能的，把個菊花心內急得無法，唯有暗中流淚。奚十一也覺抱愧，自己一想，今年才得三十歲，怎好就是這樣？若在家鄉，倒還能想個修治法子，這裡只怕未必有這個能手，把他移梁換柱起來。
一日要到宏濟寺去謝唐和尚，封了五十兩銀子，叫英官拿了。到了寺門口，見間壁開了個飯莊子，掛著招牌，寫著安吉堂。奚十一也不理會，到寺中見了得月，有些恨上心來，把他肩上狠狠的擰一了把。得月嚷道：「做什麼使勁的擰我？」奚十一笑道：「你害得我好苦，病了一個多月不算，把那子孫樁也鋸掉了半截，教我做了個廢人，我好不恨你。」得月把眼狠狠的瞅了他一下，冷笑了一聲，道：「你不知那裡沾了來，倒來冤我！我好好兒的有什麼，你只要看我的師父…」說到此，住了口。奚十一坐了，拉他在身邊，問道：「你師父那裡去了？」得月道：「在間壁莊子上。方才有個楊八爺請他去說話，就回來的。」奚十一又與得月頑笑一會，再問聘才，也不在家。
只見唐和尚醉醺醺的回來，見了奚十一，滿面春風的道：「恭喜，恭喜，如今是大好了。」奚十一笑道：「多謝，多謝，還虧了你。雖然如今做了歪脖子的老短，到底還留得一半。若用了那人的藥，定然弄到斬草除根，淨了身了。我也沒有什麼謝你，這一點東西算還你的藥本罷。」說罷，作了一個揖，從英官手裡接過來，雙手送上。唐和尚連忙的辭道：「這如何使得？咱們弟兄怎樣的交情，你竟把我當作外人看待，送起謝儀來，快請收回。」奚十一道：「你莫非嫌少麼？」唐和尚連忙陪笑道：「豈有此理。」雙手只管推來。奚十一道：「唐大哥，你不用這樣，咱們交情原不在這上頭。但你那八寶丹是個貴重丹藥，也花了錢才配成，不是幾個錢買來的。如今你不收，倒使我為難了。」唐和尚還要推辭，奚十一決要他收，只得收了。
二人講了一會話，唐和尚道：「你如今想已不忌口了，我這個莊子有幾樣菜頗好，今日嚐嚐新。」奚十一道：「這個莊子是誰開的？開有幾天了？」唐和尚道：「這所房子是我寺裡的，前年師兄租與一家住了，弔死了兩個人，那家就搬了出去。已後常常的鬧鬼，所以閒空了一年。前月春陽館的黃掌櫃的來，看這屋子好開莊子，與我搭伙計，我出了四千吊錢，才開了三天。有個廚子會做幾樣菜，一樣燒鴨子，已是壓倒通京城的了，還有一樣生炒翅子，是人家做不來的。靠你能的福，這幾天倒也擁擠不開，城裡頭有幾位相好也趕出來。卻還有一樣比別處好，後頭一重門開通，就是魏大爺的住房前一層，有相好的如果酒後要吹兩口，可以到我這裡來。就那邊也另有兩密室，要相公、媳婦，都可以叫得。從我這邊進去，是沒有人知道的。比運河旁邊那個右僧廟，一切更覺方便，又覺嚴緊，你說好不好？」
若奚十一從前聽了，不知怎樣高興，無奈如今大非昔比，眼前不見，耳中不聞，倒還好些。若聽了那些話，見了那些人，心中一動，底下那腦袋就像要伸出來，這條筋偏又拳縮伸不直，好不難受，因此不敢動心。他也不怕人笑他，就將這個苦楚說給唐和尚聽，聽得唐和尚大笑不止，說道：「你拚得再病一個月，我替你治好他。」奚十一道：「怎樣治？」和尚笑道：「我將些爛藥把那條筋爛掉了，省得他要痛，豈不好麼？」奚十一道：「不好，適或一齊爛完了，怎樣呢，難道還長得出來？我們廣東倒有個接樹法子，用海狗腎接他，不知京裡有會的沒有？」
唐和尚拍手笑道：「巧極，巧極！怎麼沒有？方才一個楊八爺，叫梅窗，一個張師□，叫笑梅，是魏大爺的相好，常到這裡來，我也與他相好。他們二人在間壁吃飯，我送煙過去，與他們講了半天。那張笑梅有個親戚是蘇州人，專門行這一道，替人配眼珠子，配鼻子，配牙，這卻都是假的。惟有接那樣東西，說先上了麻藥，將他一劈四瓣，把狗腎嵌進，用藥敷好，再將藥線纏好，一月之後平復如初。這狗腎是要狗連的時候，一刀砍死兩個，從母狗陰裡取出來的，才有用呢，不是什麼海狗腎。而且聽得說人是不疼不癢的。這人叫陽善修，現寓在城外，想必你那個也可以接得。但據你說短了，不曉得能接長不能。」奚十一聽了，滿心歡喜，就立逼著唐和尚去請他來商量。
唐和尚已經訪明了住處，就叫人去請那陽善修。
那陽善修住得不遠，不多一刻來了。唐和尚出來，照應他先在外間坐下。奚十一從裡面看他，面貌頗不適觀，衣裳藍縷，有幾分瞧不起他，也不出來，叫唐和尚與他說話。和尚將奚十一的毛病講了。陽善修道：「講接法也不同，先看各人的本源，再看各人的行貨。譬如那老年人筋力衰的，是不能接的，就接了也是白接。若是本源好的，就爛掉了半截，只要有個根子，也可接得起來。但先要看看那位的本源，再斟酌接法。」
唐和尚同了他進去，奚十一勉強把腰鬆了一鬆，就坐下了。陽善修見奚十一才三十來歲，身材長大，像個本源未虧的人。但看他那威風凜凜的樣子，不敢來問他，局侷促促的站著。奚十一把手一招，叫他坐了。方才講的話，奚十一早已聽見，便道：「我這個病就有一樣作怪，內中像有條筋扳住，脹起來，他就有些疼。必要先治好了這條筋，才可治別的。」陽善修道：「且先請教請教，看是怎樣。」奚十一也覺有些不好意思，唐和尚走了出去，奚十一方站起來，解開褲子。那人湊著一看，把個象牙片兒撥了兩撥，叫奚十一把褲穿了，說道：「果然，先治直了這條筋，方好再接。」便出來對和尚坐了，先講盤子，包修包好要二百銀子，如有什麼不妥當處，一錢不要。唐和尚與奚十一講了，奚十一道：「二百銀也不多，但是要有用才好，不要被他賺了。」唐和尚道：「他說好了才受謝，不好不要錢的。」奚十一應了。唐和尚做中，三面言明，立了字據，明日先付藥銀五十兩。陽善修即拿出一包藥，一條綾帶來，交與奚十一道：「你回去，將這藥用丁香油調好敷上，把這綾帶捆了，起先鬆鬆的，到起性時，便紮得緊緊的，越硬越紮緊，只要三刻工夫，這條筋就直了，永遠不縮的。明日我到府上來再治。」說罷去了。
奚十一滿心歡喜，便等不及唐和尚請他吃飯，即辭了回去，與菊花說知，菊花更加歡喜，便找了丁香油出來，絕早就吃飯，過了癮，催奚十一睡了，將藥調得濃濃的，敷滿了他，將帶了捆上。奚十一覺得那物先涼後熱，一會兒火燒起來，脹得甚疼，便叫菊花把帶子收緊，收緊了覺好些，一連收了三次，方才止痛。奚十一睡著了，菊花醒來，將手摸摸他，覺比以前長了好些，心中甚喜。到了明日起來時，菊花要解他的看看，奚十一正想撒溺，菊花替他解了，奚十一撒了一泡黃溺，重新捆了。
吃了早飯，唐和尚同了那人前來，奚十一到書房裡陪他們坐了，陽善修問了昨夜的光景。菊花走將出來，從板壁縫裡望那個醫生，生得頗不順眼，一個黃腫臉兒，約三十來歲年紀，有幾根微鬚，身材短小，穿一件油晃晃的舊綢襖子，兩隻袖子破爛不堪。又見唐和尚的頭剃得紫光油滑，穿件青綢夾襖，拿著把扇子扇著。聽得那人說道：「叫你們管家生個炭爐來。要一大罐子開水，再要個小藥弔子，還要舊綢子一塊。」奚十一吩咐都取了來，炭爐、開水是現成的，就擱在一邊。那人取出一包藥，聽得他說道：「這是參，這是牛黃，這是珍珠。」又抓些別樣的藥在裡頭，煎了一會，倒了一杯，涼了半刻時候，叫奚十一先服了。奚十一道：「我等不及了，我要過那癮。」那人道：「索性上了藥，你再和唐師父吃煙。等這藥性發一發，就好動手了。」此時春蘭、英官也站在書房門口觀望。
菊花見那人先調了半盞子藥，將奚十一的帶子解開，將水洗淨，把綢子擦乾了。菊花嫌那板縫小，還有些灰土嵌在裡面，取下金耳挖來，把板縫裡的灰剔得乾乾淨淨，眼光才望得到轉彎處。見那人將藥與他敷上，又拿一個綢套子套上，點了五寸長一枝香。奚十一與和尚躺下吹煙，菊花又見那人到窗前桌子上解了一包，取出個竹筒，並一個油紙包來。把那油紙包打開，有幾條藥線，還像是濕的，將四條理直了，放在一邊。聽得他問道：「你那尊軀似乎過短，你如今要加長些不要？」奚十一道「能夠加長更好。」那人道：「也不能很長。此時尊駕發起性來有多少長？」奚十一道：「前日不過兩寸半，昨日筋直了有三寸了。」那人道：「我替你修好了，就可以有四寸，也就夠了。」奚十一一口煙含在嘴裡，答不出話來。菊花在外聽了，當是奚十一只要四寸，便著了急，失口說了一聲道：「極短也要五寸。」唐和尚忍不住笑了一聲。奚十一聽得出口聲，便咳嗽了一聲。菊花自知失言，便跑了進去。陽善修聽得有人說要五寸，抬頭一看，見門口有兩個孩子站著，便當是他們講的，也笑了一笑。春蘭臉倒紅了一紅，英官鼻子裡哼了一聲。
那麻藥已上了好一會，菊花忍不住又走了出來瞧時，見那人說道：「香已點完了，藥性也走到了。」身邊又扯了一塊青縐紗來，笑對奚十一道：「疼是一點不疼的，但你自己看了，我就下不得手，你須閉了眼。」奚十一聽了，把縐紗在臉上捆了兩道。叫他坐在炕沿上，把腿分開，擱在兩張凳上。那人拿了藥線放在一邊，即蹲下身子，從竹筒裡揀出兩把小鋼刀。菊花見了害怕，心裡已突突的亂跳。見那人解下套子，那敷上的藥已半乾了。又將雞毛蘸著藥水刷了一轉，才把刀割了一刀，血冒出來，把一條藥線嵌進。一連四刀，嵌了四條。菊花看了，在那裡發抖，抖得牙齒對碰，撲在板壁上，那板壁也刷刺刺的響。春蘭、英官吐出了舌頭，縮不進去。唐和尚不忍看，躺著吹煙。那人又掏出一個錫盒子，取出一片鮮紅帶血的肉來，中間還剜了一個眼。又見他把那把小刀在龜頭上戳了幾刀，又冒出血來，將那片肉貼上，再用藥敷好。通身又上了藥，紮了兩三根藥線，把個象牙片子在頭上按了幾按，砑得光光的，才把綢套子套了。解開了蒙眼的縐紗，見奚十一揉揉眼睛，像似不知疼痛，菊花才放心。
唐和尚問道：「怎樣？」奚十一道：「倒也不覺怎樣，就是下身麻木，此時兩腿一動也難動。」陽善修把他腿掇了下來，扶他睡下，說道：「每日吃煎藥一服，我留下方子，你們自去抓罷。敷藥我每天午正時來替你上，七日內包好。好之後切不可就使喚他，總要兩三月之後，方可辦事，不然是要受傷的。切記，切記。公雞、鯉魚、羊肉，百天之內吃不得的。大好之後，你若能吃狗肉，倒有益處。」奚十一道：「狗肉，我們廣東人叫做地羊，是常吃的。我也不知吃過多少了。」陽善修對唐和尚道：「昨日講的藥本先給我，我好去配藥。」奚十一即叫春蘭去對姨奶奶講，要一封銀子出來。菊花聽了，先進去開了箱，取出一封銀子，交與春蘭送出。陽善修接了，收拾了藥包物件，叫春蘭、巴英官扶了奚十一進內去躺罷，同了唐和尚出去了。奚十一果然每天服藥一次，陽善修每到午正時候便來上藥，一連十餘日，竟已長好。後來菊花也不迴避了，到陽善修來上藥時，在旁偷看。見奚十一那物壯了好些，但是刀痕雖合，一條一條的形跡尚在頭上，更不好看，一塊青，一塊紅，像人臉上帶著記印一般。惟撒溺時尚有些疼痛，且按下不題。
再說潘三自那日受了周小三這番荼毒回去，唬了一場大病，二十幾天才起得來。這口氣悶在心裡，無從發洩，還算小事。
那許老二摳了他一摳，又放了些東西在內，潘三回來趁早想法還好，偏偏又病了整個月，如今又隔了多時，裡頭倒像生了蟲，癢得難忍。老婆面前也講不出來，每到癢時只好隔著褲子摳摳擦擦，無奈全不中用。要想找個人替他醫醫這癢病，自己已是這些年紀，又這般相貌，斷難啟齒。那一日實在難忍了，只得要老年失節。想家內人都告訴不得，只有一個打更的焦傻子，是個懵懵懂懂的人，才二十幾歲。告訴了他，要他當這個美差，叫他不許對人講，想他倒不講的。主意定了，便叫了焦傻子到了一個小帳房裡，先賞他喝了一碗酒，三個黑麵餑餑，然後把這毛病對他說了，又叫他別告訴人。焦傻子只管點頭答應，心內一些不懂。嚼完了餑餑，轉身就走。潘三一把拉住他，他問：「要做什麼？」潘三再要講一遍，也講不出口來，若放了手，又恐他走了。便拉他到炕前，才放了手，自己伏在炕沿上，拉脫了後面衣服，高聳尊臀，口裡說道：「你來！你來！」焦傻子見了，四下張一張，見桌上有張包茶葉的紙，抓了過來，遞與潘三，嘴裡說道：「三爺，你自己擦罷，我只會打更，不會擦屁股的。」一徑走出去了。潘三又好氣，又好笑，只得罷了。
過了幾日，更加難忍，便恍然大悟道：「要找人，是要找個行家，這糊塗的找他何用！」便想起與他頑過那些相公：「若去找那年輕貌美的，又定不妥，只有一個叫桂枝，如今三十多歲了，光景甚苦，在班裡分包錢，他與我有些情分。」即到戲園中找著了桂枝，也帶他上了館子，又許他幾件衣裳。桂枝心裡喜歡，當是潘三念舊，還要與他敘敘，便極力巴結。潘三見他光景甚好，癢病便發作了。便把他的病根告訴了他，問他可有醫方。桂枝聽了，笑了一會，說道：「這沒有醫方，就有醫方，想你能也斷乎不肯的。」潘三道：「我倒肯，只怕人家倒不肯。你若肯醫我這個病，我願重重謝你。」桂枝笑了一笑，瞅著潘三。潘三見他肯了，便坐到他懷裡，一手將桂枝那物捏了幾捏，也有些意思。桂枝心裡想他幫襯，只得勉強。彼此鬆了褲子，桂枝也當他與自己一樣的東西，不料到門口一撞，一團茅草，路徑不分，針針刺刺的，心上一驚，那物就如春蠶將死的光景，臥倒了再也扶不起來。再見潘三的臉回轉來，問道：「怎樣？」桂枝更覺肉麻，身上一冷，渾身起了雞皮皺，忙說道：「今日不能，明日再醫罷。」潘三見此光景，只得拉倒，心上還想他明日來，與他約定了，給了他四吊錢。那桂枝又訴了多少苦，格外要借十吊錢，潘三又只得給了。
到了次日，桂枝果然來了。進了小帳房內，也照昨日的樣，只是不濟，就用三牲也祭不起他，把個潘三急得無可奈何，兩人白白的坐了半天而散。潘三正在納悶，忽見一個伙計進來說道：「周家那找零的銀子二十九兩七錢，打發人來取。」潘三道：「我早已秤好在此。」將天秤架下抽屜一開，只見幾個法碼在內，不見銀包。又從各處找了，也不見有。潘三明知桂枝偷去，只得叫伙計重兑了。再看屋內牆上掛的一個表，也不見了。潘三恨聲不已，因是找他來醫病的，不便多說，忍氣吞聲，惟有暗恨周小三與三姐害他。
又挨了幾日，那天多喝了一盅，更癢得利害，偶然想起卓天香也十七八歲了，又是他的老主顧，叫他來商量商量倒可以，即叫人去叫了天香來。天香來了，見了潘三，請了安。潘三甚是歡喜，又同他到小帳房裡，擺出一盤盒子菜、一碟熏魚、一碟瓜子、一壺陳木瓜酒，與他談心。天香見潘三喜眉笑臉，乜斜著眼睛，扭頭扭腦，不像往日的樣子，心裡想他今日高興，必有一番纏擾，吃了一會，天香過去與潘三一凳坐了。潘三摟著，一手摸他那物，比落花生大得有限，心裡吃驚，問道：「你今年十八歲了，怎麼還沒有發身，像七八歲的孩子？」天香笑道：「不曉得為什麼緣故，他只不肯長，他也不懂人事，總沒有動過色。」潘三道：「我不信。」把他那顆落花生雙手拈了幾拈，果然不動，又捋兩下，也不見怎樣，潘三氣極，將他推下身來。天香嘻嘻的笑，又撲在潘三懷裡，拈著他的鬍子道：「三爺怎麼惱我？我原用不著這個。怎麼你今天找錯了門路？」潘三撅著嘴不理他。天香伸手去摸潘三爺的下體，也像煙癮來了的一樣，垂頭喪氣，不比往日的淘氣。天香弄了一會，有些起來。無奈潘三一動心，後面更發癢得利害。要把天香攆開，天香當是他故意裝做，便一把攥得緊緊的。潘三咬緊了牙，夾緊了屁股，把天香肩上咬了一口。此時是穿的裌衣服，一口把天香咬的「哎喲喲」的叫起來，把一手護著肩。見潘三靠了椅背，把身了往下矬了幾矬。天香見此光景，甚是不解，眼睜睜的看著潘三，見他面紅耳赤，又不講什麼。天香道：「三爺，你今日為什麼不喜歡我？想我伺候錯了，因此惱我。」
潘三道：「我也不惱你，但我今日不高興與你做這件事。」天香只得走開坐了，又道：「三爺，要梳髮不要？」潘三道：「也好，倒梳梳髮罷。」天香與潘三梳起髮來。潘三問道：「你們給人頑的時候，內裡怎樣快活？」天香笑道：「有什麼快活，這是伺候人的差使，快活是在人快活呢。」潘三道：「不是這麼說。我聽說有一種人，小時上了人的當，成了紅毛風，說裡頭長了毛便癢得難受，常要找人頑他，及到老了還是一樣，這真有的麼？」天香道：「可不是，我們東光縣就有兩個，一個劉掌櫃是開米鋪的，一個狐仙李，都有四十幾歲了，常到戲場裡去找人。他先摸人的東西，那人被他摸了不言語，他就拉了他去，請他吃飯，給他錢，千央萬懇的，人才頑他一回。適或碰著了個古怪人，非但不理他，還要給他幾個嘴巴。這個毛病至死方休的。」潘三聽了，心裡更急，又問道：「這毛病除了人頑，還有什麼方法可以治得呢？」
天香道：「那裡有什麼方法！」想了一想，忽又說道：「有，有，有！有一個人與我們同行，聽他說醫好一個人，說是用手挖出來的。」潘三笑道：「這個如何放得進手？」天香道：「手是放不進，指頭是伸得進的。」潘三道：「適或長了毛，指頭也挖不出來。」天香道：「他有方法。他說長毛也要經過人精才長，沒有經過是不長的，不過那東西不得出來。」潘三道：「既這麼說，有三個月的，大約還可以治得？」天香道：「這要問他。」潘三見有人能治這個毛病，便將實話與天香說了。天香聽了，也甚詫異，怪不得方才這個樣兒，想要與我做個燒餅會，便笑道：「你也頑得人多了，與人頑頑也沒有什麼要緊，治好他做什麼？」潘三把他擰了一下。梳完了髮，潘三千叮萬囑的叫他找了那人來，天香去了。
到明日去找那人，告知緣故。那人笑道：「潘三叫你來請我麼？這事我早知道。他正月裡拿這個法子收拾了許老三，許三姐才設計哄他，許老二就用他的法子收拾他，許老二早告訴了我。許老三吃了多少蕎麥麵，還吃了瀉藥，瀉不出來。還是我傳他的法子。聽說三姐將銀耳挖替他挖乾淨的，才不至成了毛病。潘三這個人真不是個東西，極該得這個報應，由他罷了。」
天香再三的替潘三央求。那人道：「既然要我去治好他的病，你去對他說，要送我三百吊錢。他這個毛病還花三百弔買來的，何況要治好？他應該加一倍才是。」天香即將這話去對潘三講了，潘三道：「不知取得出來取不出來？如果真能取出來，我就給他三百弔。但叮囑他別告訴人。」天香去了歇了兩日，才同了那人來到潘三小帳房內。潘三頗不好意思，那人道：「三爺的事我全知道，但日子久了，取他出來也不容易。」潘三自己講不出來，叫天香與他講定了，如好了送他三百吊錢，明日先交一百弔，十日後不發癢，再送那二百弔。那人也依了，便對潘三道：「三爺，你那洞府深，我的指頭短，摸不著底。你今日將二兩金子，打一枝七寸長、筆管粗的一根耳挖，明日早飯後我來，包管你取得乾乾淨淨，不要你受第二回苦。」
潘三道：「必定要金的，銀的使不得？」那人道：「定要金的，銀的萬使不得。」說罷去了。潘三疑他賺這二兩金子，但用二兩低銀打了，鍍了金，等他來。明日那人果然來了，將耳挖放進，替他掏得個乾淨。潘三也算略嘗滋味，先給了一百吊錢，那人把這耳挖果然要了，潘三以為得計。過了十餘日，居然好了，竟不發癢，又將那二百弔也給人他。天香借此向潘三借錢，潘三要買他的嘴，也給了幾十吊錢。
那人是個剃髮的，得了三百吊錢，便一朝發跡。又有二兩金子，便樂不可言。一日，想將那金耳挖到銀匠鋪裡打兩個戒指。銀匠說是鍍金的，他還不信，及到試金石上刮了出來，果然是銀的。便恨潘三賺他，起了狠心，找了天香，要他去對潘三講，不應欺他，他如今把這耳挖做了憑據，逢人便說是潘三爺要他挖屁股的，叫他一輩子怎樣做人？天香果然說了，潘三無奈，只得托天香去說，叫他不要聲揚，再給他些錢。後來講來講去，那人只是不依，又給了三百弔。以後那人與天香串通，每逢緩急，便找潘三，潘三不肯應酬，便惡言惡語的把那件事題起來。潘三像寫了賣身文契與他一樣，零零星星真應酬了好幾年，直到那人死了方罷。此是閒話，非書中正文。下文即敘琴仙出京，且俟細細分解。
The story goes that the scholars composed a number of couplets in Yi Garden that day, and after receiving praise from Dao Weng, they were all greatly pleased. Later, when they read the preface he had written, they were truly in awe, so much so that they bowed in admiration. Even Nan Xiang and Chun Hang, who were not easily impressed, sincerely acknowledged Dao Weng’s superiority. The next day, Zi Yun invited Jin Jifu to the garden to review the couplets, and Jifu was equally impressed. Dao Weng was asked to write the sixteen-panel screen in his regular and cursive script, and Jifu’s recommended engraver, Ji Shi, began carving it in the garden.
By the eleventh of April, the results of the civil service exam were announced, and both Chun Hang and Nan Xiang were among the successful candidates. Nan Xiang placed twenty-first, and Chun Hang placed thirty-fourth. Needless to say, both were overjoyed, and even Huifang and Lanbao were so happy they could hardly express themselves. Since Nan Xiang was staying in the capital, he was living temporarily at Wen Ze’s place, as his father had sold their residence when he took up his official post the previous year. Huifang, aware that Chun Hang was also staying at Wen Ze’s place and that although they got along well, it was inconvenient for him to go out and about without having a private space, thought it would be better to rent a place. Seeing that Nan Xiang had also passed the exams and that their talents would surely earn them appointments in the Imperial Academy, she suggested to Chun Hang and Nan Xiang that they should rent a house together. Both were keen on the idea, so Huifang offered to help them find a suitable place. After inquiring at several locations, none seemed satisfactory.
One day, Huifang visited Zi Yun to discuss the matter. Zi Yun said, “Why not come live in my garden? It’s lively here, and besides, Dao Weng has already been appointed as the Assistant Magistrate of Nanchang Prefecture and will soon leave to take up his post. Yu Nong will be going with him. You two moving in would be perfect, don’t you think?” Huifang replied, “I’m not moving in.” Zi Yun responded, “You should move in too.” Huifang said, “If I move in, it will have to wait for another month or two. It’s not possible just yet.” Zi Yun said, “There are over thirty rooms in the Clustered Laurel Mountain House near Laurel Ridge, which should be more than enough for Zhu Jun and Xiang Fan. You can tell them I suggested it. There’s no need to look elsewhere. If family members come in the future, you can look for a new place then. Tomorrow I’ll pick an auspicious day to invite them.” Huifang agreed and then went to visit Ci Xian and Qin Xian, where they talked for a while. Qin Xian, knowing he would soon leave the capital, felt sentimental, thinking about how good friends would soon part and how uncertain it was when they would meet again. He invited Huifang to stay for half the day, and they talked about many things. Huifang said, “Since you’re leaving the capital, of course, we’ll have to give you a proper send-off. But since my father is still at home, it feels a bit restrained, so we’ll have to do it outside.” Qin Xian agreed. After chatting for a long time, Huifang took her leave and informed Chun Hang, Nan Xiang, and Wen Ze of the situation. Du Xiang wanted to invite both Chun Hang and Nan Xiang over, but Chun Hang said, “Zhu Jun can go, but I’m planning to bring my mother and wife to the capital in the next few days, so we’ll still need to find a house to avoid moving back and forth.” Nan Xiang replied, “I’m undecided. I might go, but I might not.”
The next day, Chun Hang personally informed Zi Yun that he would bring his family to the capital, and Zi Yun did not press him further. Huifang eventually found a house that was quite suitable, located in Mingke Lane, close to Zi Yu. She also helped Chun Hang arrange for carriages and horses and hired a few new household managers. The coachman was Zhou Xiaosan, and after he joined, he recommended his brother-in-law, Xu Laosan, who changed his name to Xu Gui and became Chun Hang’s personal attendant. With this, their household underwent a transformation, and for now, we leave this matter aside.
Now let’s talk about Xi Shiyi. After recovering from his illness, he had been recuperating for over a month. His temper had mellowed somewhat, and he had lost a considerable amount of weight, but his addiction to smoking had grown even worse. Although Xi Shiyi had suffered greatly, you’d think this would prompt him to change his ways, live a healthier life, and exercise moderation. However, as soon as his health improved, he reverted to his old habits. With Ju Hua (Chrysanthemum) inside the house and Bai Yingguan outside, these two doors could not remain shut, and he couldn’t resist the temptation of indulging in socializing. The problem was that his body was far from suitable for such activities. When he wasn’t engaging in anything, he didn’t feel much discomfort, but during moments of excitement, he was only left with half of his manhood, which had neither head nor strength, making him quite unimpressive. When he attempted anything, a muscle would swell painfully, and despite his efforts, he could hardly perform. Ju Hua was left feeling helpless, often crying in secret. Xi Shiyi, too, felt ashamed. He thought to himself, “I’m only thirty years old. How can I end up like this? If I were back in my hometown, I might be able to find a way to fix it, but here, I doubt there’s anyone skilled enough to restore me.”
One day, he decided to visit Hongji Temple to thank Monk Tang, bringing fifty taels of silver with him, which Bai Yingguan carried. When they arrived at the temple gate, he noticed that a restaurant had opened next door, with a sign that read “Anji Hall.” Xi Shiyi didn’t pay much attention to it and entered the temple, where he met Monk Deyue. Feeling resentment welling up inside, he grabbed Deyue by the shoulder and gave him a hard pinch. Deyue cried out, “Why are you pinching me so hard?” Xi Shiyi laughed, “You’ve caused me so much suffering! Not only was I sick for over a month, but you also left me half a man. I’m so bitterly angry at you!” Deyue gave him a fierce look and sneered, “You don’t even know where you caught it from, and you blame me? I’m perfectly fine. If you want to know the real culprit, just look at my master…” He trailed off before finishing his sentence. Xi Shiyi sat down, pulled him closer, and asked, “Where’s your master?” Deyue replied, “He’s at the restaurant next door. Just now, Lord Yang invited him over for a conversation, but he’ll be back soon.” Xi Shiyi joked around with Deyue for a while longer before asking about Pingcai, but he wasn’t home either.
Monk Tang came back, drunk and cheerful, and when he saw Xi Shiyi, he beamed and said, “Congratulations, congratulations! You’re much better now.” Xi Shiyi laughed, “Thank you, thank you! I owe it all to you. Although now I’m like a crooked-necked short old man, at least I still have half left. If I had used that other man’s medicine, I would’ve ended up completely castrated. I don’t have much to give you, so take this as repayment for the cost of your medicine.” After saying this, he bowed, took the silver from Yingguan, and handed it over with both hands. Monk Tang hurriedly declined, saying, “How can I accept this? We are like brothers. Why are you treating me like an outsider, offering me a thank-you gift? Please take it back.” Xi Shiyi said, “Are you unhappy with the amount?” Monk Tang quickly smiled and said, “Of course not.” He kept pushing the silver back. Xi Shiyi said, “Brother Tang, don’t be like this. Our friendship isn’t based on money, but your Eight Treasures Pill is a valuable medicine, and it cost you money to make. It’s not something you can buy cheaply. If you don’t accept it, it’ll make things awkward for me.” Monk Tang kept refusing, but Xi Shiyi insisted, and finally, he had no choice but to accept.
After chatting for a while, Monk Tang said, “I assume you’re no longer restricted in your diet. This restaurant I’ve set up has a few good dishes. Why don’t you try something new today?” Xi Shiyi asked, “Who owns this place? How long has it been open?” Monk Tang replied, “This house belongs to my temple. Two years ago, my senior rented it to a family, but two people died there, so the family moved out. After that, the place was rumored to be haunted, so it remained empty for a year. Last month, Manager Huang from the Spring Sunshine Pavilion came and saw that this house would make a good restaurant. He partnered with me, and I invested four thousand strings of cash. It’s only been open for three days. There’s a chef who makes a few dishes that are unrivaled in the capital. One of them is roasted duck, which has already become famous. Another is stir-fried shark fin, a dish no one else can make. Thanks to your good fortune, the place has been packed these past few days, with some friends from the city coming out here as well. What’s even better is that there’s a secret door at the back that leads directly to Lord Wei’s residence. If any of your friends want to have a bit of fun after drinking, they can come over here. There are also two hidden rooms on that side, so if anyone wants to bring a companion, whether it’s a young man or a lady, they can do so discreetly. No one will know if they enter through my place. It’s even more convenient and private than that temple by the canal. What do you think?”
In the past, Xi Shiyi would have been overjoyed to hear this, but now things were different. He could handle not seeing or hearing anything, but when he listened to such talk and saw such people, he would feel a stirring in his body, and the muscle in question would start to throb and cramp painfully, unable to straighten. This caused him so much discomfort that he didn’t dare entertain such thoughts. He wasn’t afraid of being laughed at and shared his suffering with Monk Tang, who laughed heartily and said, “Even if you have to suffer for another month, I can cure you.” Xi Shiyi asked, “How will you cure me?” The monk laughed, “I’ll use some rotten medicine to rot away that muscle, so it won’t hurt anymore. Wouldn’t that be great?” Xi Shiyi said, “No, that wouldn’t be good. What if everything rots away? Will it grow back? In Guangdong, there’s a method called ‘grafting’ where they use seal kidneys to repair it. I wonder if there’s anyone in the capital who can do that.”
Monk Tang clapped his hands and laughed, “How coincidental! Of course, there is. Just earlier, Lord Yang invited someone named Meichuang and another named Zhang Xiaomei, who is a close friend of Lord Wei. They often come here, and I’ve gotten to know them well. I took some tobacco over to them earlier, and we had a long chat. Zhang Xiaomei has a relative from Suzhou who specializes in this kind of work. He fits people with artificial eyes, noses, and teeth, though those are all fake. However, he’s famous for grafting that particular thing. They apply anesthesia first, then cut it into four parts and insert a dog kidney. After bandaging it with medicine, it heals within a month. The dog kidney must come from a dog that was killed while mating—only the ones taken from the female dog’s womb are effective. Sea dog kidneys won’t work. I’ve heard that the procedure doesn’t cause any pain or itching. This person’s name is Yang Shanxiu, and he lives just outside the city. I’m sure he can fix yours too, though I’m not sure if he can make it longer, since you said yours is short.”
Xi Shiyi was overjoyed upon hearing this and immediately urged Monk Tang to invite Yang Shanxiu for a consultation.
Monk Tang, already knowing where Yang Shanxiu lived, sent someone to invite him.
Yang Shanxiu lived nearby and arrived shortly thereafter. Monk Tang went outside to greet him and had him sit in the outer room. Xi Shiyi observed him from inside. Seeing that Yang Shanxiu had an unseemly appearance and ragged clothes, Xi Shiyi felt a bit disdainful and did not go out to greet him. He asked Monk Tang to speak with him instead. The monk explained Xi Shiyi’s condition, and Yang Shanxiu said, “The method of grafting differs from case to case. First, we must assess the individual’s constitution and current state. For example, elderly men with weakened muscles can’t undergo the procedure, and even if they do, it won’t work. But if the person has a good constitution and is only partially damaged, as long as there’s a root left, it can be repaired. But I must first examine the patient’s condition before deciding on the appropriate method.”
Monk Tang brought him inside, and Xi Shiyi reluctantly loosened his waistband and sat down. Yang Shanxiu saw that Xi Shiyi, being around thirty years old and tall, seemed to have a strong constitution. However, he noticed Xi Shiyi’s imposing demeanor and didn’t dare ask too many questions, standing there nervously. Xi Shiyi waved his hand to indicate he should sit. He had already overheard the conversation and said, “This condition of mine is strange. There seems to be a tendon that’s stuck inside, and when it swells, it causes pain. You’ll need to treat this tendon first before addressing anything else.” Yang Shanxiu replied, “Let me examine it first to understand what’s going on.”
Xi Shiyi felt a bit embarrassed. Monk Tang left the room, and only then did Xi Shiyi stand up and loosen his pants. Yang Shanxiu leaned in to take a look, prodding with a small ivory tool. After examining it, he asked Xi Shiyi to put his pants back on and said, “Indeed, we must first straighten out this tendon before we can proceed with the grafting.” He went outside to speak with Monk Tang and discussed the cost, which would be two hundred taels of silver, guaranteed to be successful. If there were any issues, no payment would be required. Monk Tang relayed this to Xi Shiyi, who said, “Two hundred taels isn’t much, but it needs to work. I don’t want to be swindled.” Monk Tang assured him, “He said he’ll only take payment if it works. If it doesn’t, he won’t charge anything.” Xi Shiyi agreed. Monk Tang mediated the terms, and they drafted a contract, with fifty taels of silver to be paid upfront for the medicine.
Yang Shanxiu took out a packet of medicine and a silk band and handed them to Xi Shiyi, saying, “Go home and mix this medicine with clove oil and apply it. Use this silk band to wrap it loosely at first. When it starts to harden, tighten it more and more. The tighter it gets, the straighter the tendon will become. In just three-quarters of an hour, the tendon will be permanently straightened and will never retract again. I’ll come to your residence tomorrow to continue the treatment.” After saying this, he left.
Xi Shiyi was overjoyed and couldn’t even wait for Monk Tang to invite him for a meal. He immediately took his leave and went home to tell Chrysanthemum (Ju Hua). Chrysanthemum was equally thrilled. She quickly found some clove oil, prepared an early meal, and after indulging in some pleasures, urged Xi Shiyi to sleep. She then mixed the medicine into a thick paste and applied it thoroughly to him before wrapping it with the silk band. Xi Shiyi felt the area go cold first, then hot, and soon it felt like it was burning, swelling painfully. He called Chrysanthemum to tighten the band, and after tightening it three times, the pain finally subsided. Xi Shiyi fell asleep, and Chrysanthemum, still awake, reached over to touch him and found that it had grown longer than before. She was overjoyed. The next morning, as Xi Shiyi got up, Chrysanthemum wanted to unwrap it and take a look. Xi Shiyi needed to urinate, so Chrysanthemum helped him untie it. Xi Shiyi relieved himself with a stream of yellow urine, and afterward, she rewrapped it.
After breakfast, Monk Tang arrived with the doctor. Xi Shiyi received them in the study. Yang Shanxiu, the doctor, asked about the events of the previous night. Chrysanthemum came out and peered through the gap in the wall to get a better look at the doctor. She didn’t like what she saw—his face was puffy and yellow, and he appeared to be in his early thirties with a few wisps of facial hair. He was short and wore an old, greasy silk jacket with sleeves that were tattered. She also noticed that Monk Tang’s head was freshly shaved and shiny, and he was wearing a blue silk jacket while fanning himself. The doctor instructed, “Tell your servants to bring a charcoal stove, a large pot of boiling water, a small medicine cauldron, and a piece of old silk.” Xi Shiyi ordered everything to be brought in. The charcoal stove and boiling water were ready, set to the side. The doctor took out a packet of medicine and said, “This is ginseng, this is bezoar, and this is pearl powder.” He then added other ingredients and boiled them for a while. After cooling the mixture for a moment, he poured out a cup and said to Xi Shiyi, “Drink this first.” Xi Shiyi replied, “I can’t wait any longer; I need to indulge.” The doctor said, “Let’s apply the medicine first, and then you can smoke with Monk Tang. Once the medicine takes effect, we’ll proceed.” By now, Chun Lan and Yingguan were also standing at the door of the study, watching.
Chrysanthemum saw the doctor mix half a bowl of medicine and then unwrap Xi Shiyi’s band. He cleaned the area with hot water and dried it with the silk cloth. Chrysanthemum, dissatisfied with the small gap between the wall panels, which still had some dust in them, took out a golden ear scoop to clear the dust from the gap until she could see the corner of the room. She saw the doctor apply the medicine and place a silk sheath over it. Then, he lit a five-inch-long incense stick. While Xi Shiyi and Monk Tang lay down to smoke, Chrysanthemum saw the doctor walk to the table near the window and open a packet, taking out a bamboo tube and an oiled paper packet. When he unwrapped the paper, it contained several pieces of what looked like damp medicinal threads. He straightened out four of them and set them aside. The doctor then asked, “It seems that your condition is quite short. Do you want it lengthened?” Xi Shiyi replied, “If it can be lengthened, that would be great.” The doctor said, “It can’t be made too long. How long does it grow when aroused?” Xi Shiyi answered, “It was only two and a half inches before, but after the tendon straightened yesterday, it’s now three inches.” The doctor replied, “Once I’ve finished, it should be four inches, which is sufficient.” Xi Shiyi had a mouthful of smoke and couldn’t respond. Chrysanthemum, overhearing the conversation, was alarmed that Xi Shiyi only wanted four inches and blurted out, “Even at its shortest, it should be five inches!” Monk Tang couldn’t help but laugh. Xi Shiyi heard this and coughed. Realizing her mistake, Chrysanthemum quickly ran into the room. Yang Shanxiu, hearing someone say “five inches,” looked up and saw two children standing at the door. He assumed it was them who had spoken and smiled. Chun Lan’s face turned red, and Yingguan snorted.
The anesthetic had been applied for some time, and Chrysanthemum, unable to contain her curiosity, went back to look. She heard the doctor say, “The incense has burned out, and the medicine has taken effect.” He pulled out a piece of blue silk gauze and, smiling at Xi Shiyi, said, “You won’t feel any pain, but if you watch, I won’t be able to proceed. You need to close your eyes.” Xi Shiyi complied, wrapping the gauze over his eyes twice. The doctor then had him sit on the edge of the bed, with his legs spread apart and resting on two stools. The doctor placed the medicinal threads aside, crouched down, and took out two small steel knives from the bamboo tube. Seeing this, Chrysanthemum became frightened, her heart racing. She watched as the doctor removed the silk sheath, revealing that the applied medicine had partially dried. He dipped a chicken feather in the medicinal liquid and brushed it over the area again. Then, with a quick motion, he made a cut with the knife, causing blood to spurt out. He inserted one of the medicinal threads into the wound. He repeated this process four times, making four cuts and inserting four threads. Chrysanthemum trembled as she watched, her teeth chattering as she leaned against the wall, making it creak. Chun Lan and Yingguan stuck out their tongues in shock and couldn’t retract them. Monk Tang, unable to bear watching, lay down and continued smoking. The doctor then took out a tin box and removed a piece of fresh, blood-stained flesh with a hole in the center. He made a few small incisions on the tip of the organ, causing more blood to flow, and then affixed the piece of flesh over it, applying more medicine. After covering the entire area with medicine, he wrapped it with a few more medicinal threads and pressed a piece of ivory on top, rubbing it until it was smooth. Finally, he placed the silk sheath back on. He then unwrapped the silk gauze from Xi Shiyi’s eyes, and when Xi Shiyi blinked a few times and realized he felt no pain, Chrysanthemum was finally relieved.
[CP]
Monk Tang asked, “How is it?” Xi Shiyi replied, “It doesn’t feel too bad, but my lower body is numb, and right now, it’s hard to move my legs.” Yang Shanxiu helped him lower his legs and lay him down, saying, “You must take a dose of this decoction every day. I’ll leave the prescription, and you can have someone fetch the medicine. I’ll come at noon every day to apply the external medicine, and within seven days, it’ll heal. After it heals, you must not use it for at least two or three months, or it will be damaged again. Keep this in mind—be careful. For the next hundred days, you must avoid eating chicken, carp, and lamb. After you’ve fully recovered, eating dog meat will actually be beneficial.” Xi Shiyi said, “We people from Guangdong call dog meat ‘earth lamb.’ I’ve eaten plenty of it.” Yang Shanxiu then turned to Monk Tang and said, “As we discussed yesterday, I’ll need the money for the medicine to prepare it.” Xi Shiyi called Chun Lan and asked her to inform Chrysanthemum to bring out a packet of silver. Chrysanthemum heard this and went to her room, opened a chest, and took out the silver, handing it to Chun Lan to deliver. Yang Shanxiu received it, packed up his tools, and instructed Chun Lan and Bai Yingguan to help Xi Shiyi to bed. He and Monk Tang then left.
Xi Shiyi followed the regimen, taking the medicine once a day, and Yang Shanxiu came every noon to apply the external treatment. After about ten days, Xi Shiyi’s condition had significantly improved. Chrysanthemum no longer avoided the situation and even began to secretly watch while Yang Shanxiu applied the medicine. She noticed that Xi Shiyi’s member had indeed become much stronger, but although the knife wounds had healed, the scars remained—uneven lines covering the area, with patches of blue and red, resembling marks on a person’s face. Additionally, Xi Shiyi still experienced some pain when urinating. For now, we leave this situation aside.
Let’s return to Pan San. After being tormented by Zhou Xiaosan, he fell gravely ill with fright and remained bedridden for over twenty days. The frustration bottled up inside him, though it seemed like a minor issue. Moreover, after Xu Lao’er had roughly handled him and inserted something inside, Pan San initially managed to deal with it. However, he soon fell ill again and was bedridden for an entire month. Now, some time had passed, and it felt as if something was crawling inside, causing an unbearable itch. He couldn’t bring himself to mention this to his wife, so whenever the itch flared up, he would scratch at it through his pants, but it was to no avail. Desperate to find someone to treat this itching, he struggled with the thought of his age and appearance, finding it difficult to ask for help.
One day, when the itch became unbearable, Pan San had a revelation: “If I’m going to ask someone, it needs to be an expert. What use is a fool?” He thought of the young men he used to play around with: “If I go to one of the handsome and youthful ones, it’s bound to cause trouble. But there’s someone named Gui Zhi, now in his thirties, living in tough conditions. He used to share the profits in the opera troupe, and we had some history.” Pan San went to the theater and found Gui Zhi, taking him to a restaurant and promising him some new clothes. Gui Zhi, thinking Pan San was being generous out of old affection, eagerly reciprocated, trying to curry favor. As they continued drinking and chatting, Pan San’s itch intensified. He revealed the root of his ailment to Gui Zhi, asking if there was a cure. Gui Zhi laughed for a while and said, “There’s no real cure, but even if there was, I doubt you’d be willing.” Pan San replied, “I’m willing! I just fear the other person won’t be. If you can help me with this, I’ll reward you handsomely.” Gui Zhi smiled, eyeing Pan San, who then sat on Gui Zhi’s lap and squeezed Gui Zhi’s private parts, finding some response. Gui Zhi, thinking of the financial support Pan San might offer, reluctantly agreed. Both loosened their pants. Gui Zhi expected Pan San’s anatomy to be similar to his own, but when they began, he was horrified to encounter a tangled mess of hair. The sensation of prickly bristles threw him off, and the sight was shocking. His member, which had initially responded, now wilted like a dying silkworm and could not be revived. Turning to face Pan San, Gui Zhi asked, “How is it?” But the sight of Pan San’s face further disgusted him. Feeling a wave of revulsion, his body shivered, and he said hurriedly, “Not today. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
Seeing the situation, Pan San had no choice but to let it go, though he still hoped Gui Zhi would come the next day. They agreed to meet again, and Pan San gave Gui Zhi four strings of cash. Gui Zhi, taking advantage of the situation, complained about his hardships and asked to borrow another ten strings, which Pan San reluctantly provided.
The next day, Gui Zhi did indeed return. They went into the small room again and tried the same thing, but no matter what, Gui Zhi couldn’t manage. Even with the offerings of livestock sacrifices, nothing could rouse him. Pan San, growing increasingly desperate, was left with no choice. The two sat awkwardly for half a day before parting ways.
While Pan San was still brooding over the situation, a servant entered and said, “Someone from the Zhou family has come to collect the money—twenty-nine taels and seven coins.” Pan San replied, “I already weighed it out.” He opened the drawer under the scale, but inside were only some weights, with no sign of the silver. He searched everywhere but couldn’t find it. Pan San knew full well that Gui Zhi had stolen it, but since he had brought Gui Zhi there to treat his illness, he couldn’t say much about it. He had to weigh out the silver again. Then, upon looking at the wall, he noticed that a clock that had been hanging there was also missing. Pan San cursed Gui Zhi bitterly but, considering the circumstances, he couldn’t say too much. He was left swallowing his anger, secretly resenting Zhou Xiaosan and the third sister for their part in his misfortune.
[CP]
After a few more days passed, Pan San drank a bit too much one day, making the itching even worse. He suddenly thought of Zhuo Tianxiang, who was about seventeen or eighteen years old and one of his old favorites. Thinking it might be a good idea to discuss his problem with him, Pan San sent for Tianxiang. When Tianxiang arrived and greeted Pan San, Pan San was quite pleased and invited him to the small room. There, Pan San laid out a tray of dishes, including a plate of smoked fish, a plate of melon seeds, and a pot of aged papaya wine. They began chatting. Tianxiang noticed that Pan San was unusually cheerful, with a sly grin and a flirtatious demeanor, which was quite unlike his usual self. Tianxiang thought that Pan San must be in an unusually good mood and would likely get entangled in some mischief. After eating for a while, Tianxiang moved closer to sit beside Pan San on the same bench. Pan San hugged him and, while touching him, noticed that Tianxiang’s privates were barely larger than a peanut, which greatly surprised him. Pan San asked, “You’re already eighteen. Why haven’t you developed yet? You look like a seven or eight-year-old child!” Tianxiang laughed and replied, “I don’t know why, but it just hasn’t grown. I don’t even know about these things, and I’ve never had any desires.” Pan San said, “I don’t believe you.” He pinched Tianxiang’s peanut-sized part with both hands, but it didn’t respond at all. He rubbed it twice, but still, nothing happened. Furious, Pan San pushed Tianxiang away. Tianxiang giggled, threw himself back into Pan San’s arms, and playfully tugged at Pan San’s beard, saying, “Why are you upset with me? I don’t even need to use that thing. What’s wrong with you today that you’re trying to take the wrong path?” Pan San pouted and ignored him.
Tianxiang, seeing Pan San’s mood, reached down to touch Pan San’s genitals. It felt as if Pan San was afflicted by a bad smoking habit, limp and dejected, unlike his usual playful self. After Tianxiang played with it for a while, there was some response. However, just as Pan San began to feel aroused, the itching at the back intensified to the point of being unbearable. He wanted to push Tianxiang away, but Tianxiang thought Pan San was just pretending and grabbed hold of him tightly. Pan San clenched his teeth and squeezed his buttocks, then bit down on Tianxiang’s shoulder. At the time, Tianxiang was wearing a padded jacket, but even through the fabric, Pan San’s bite made him cry out in pain, “Ouch, ouch!” Tianxiang clutched his shoulder with one hand and watched as Pan San slumped into a chair, moving his body lower and lower. Tianxiang, perplexed by what he was seeing, stared at Pan San with wide eyes, noticing that his face was flushed, but he said nothing. Tianxiang asked, “Master San, why don’t you seem to like me today? Did I serve you poorly, and that’s why you’re upset?”
Pan San replied, “I’m not upset with you, but I’m just not in the mood for this today.” Tianxiang had no choice but to move aside and sit down. He then asked, “Master San, would you like me to comb your hair?” Pan San said, “Alright, go ahead and comb my hair.” Tianxiang began combing Pan San’s hair. Pan San asked, “When you play around with people, how does it feel inside?” Tianxiang laughed and replied, “What’s so enjoyable about it? It’s just a job, and the pleasure is for the other person.” Pan San said, “That’s not what I’m asking. I’ve heard that some people, after being tricked when they were young, develop a condition called ‘red hair disease.’ When they grow hair inside, it itches unbearably, and they constantly need someone to play with them. Even when they grow old, it’s still the same. Is this really true?” Tianxiang replied, “Absolutely. In our Dongguang County, there are two people like that. One is Manager Liu, who runs a rice shop, and the other is Fox Spirit Li. They’re both in their forties now, and they frequently go to the theater to find someone. First, they’ll touch someone’s privates. If the person doesn’t resist, they’ll take them out for a meal and give them money, begging and pleading until they get someone to play with them. But if they meet a strange person, not only will they get ignored, but they might also get slapped. This condition lasts until death.”
Hearing this, Pan San became even more anxious and asked, “Besides finding someone to play with, is there any other way to cure this condition?”
Tianxiang replied, “There’s no other way!” After thinking for a moment, he added, “Actually, there is! There’s someone in our line of work who once mentioned curing someone by digging it out by hand.” Pan San laughed and said, “How could a hand fit in there?” Tianxiang explained, “The hand doesn’t fit, but a finger can reach in.” Pan San said, “But if there’s hair growing inside, a finger won’t be able to get it out.” Tianxiang replied, “He has a method. He said that the hair only grows after a person has had intercourse. If someone hasn’t, the hair won’t grow. It’s just that the stuff doesn’t come out.” Pan San asked, “So if it’s been about three months, there’s still hope for a cure?” Tianxiang responded, “That depends on the person.”
Pan San, realizing that there might be someone who could cure this affliction, decided to confide in Tianxiang about his problem. Tianxiang was quite surprised upon hearing this, and thought back to earlier when Pan San had acted strangely. It seemed like he wanted to have a “burnt pancake meeting” with him. Tianxiang laughed and said, “You’ve played with so many people. There’s no harm in letting someone play with you. Why bother trying to cure it?” Pan San pinched him playfully. After Tianxiang finished combing his hair, Pan San repeatedly urged him to find that person, and Tianxiang left.
The next day, Tianxiang went to find the person and explained the situation. The man laughed and said, “So Pan San sent you to invite me? I’ve known about this for a while. Back in the first month, Pan San used this trick to deal with Xu Lao’er. It was Third Sister Xu who came up with the plan to trick him. Xu Lao’er used this method to deal with Pan San, and Xu Lao’er told me all about it. Xu Lao’er ate so much buckwheat and even took laxatives, but nothing worked. I’m the one who taught him the method. I heard that Third Sister Xu used a silver ear scoop to clean it out, so it didn’t turn into a full-blown condition. Pan San is truly despicable and fully deserves this retribution. Let him suffer!”
[CP]
Tianxiang repeatedly pleaded on Pan San’s behalf. The man said, “Since you want me to cure his illness, go tell him he must pay me three hundred strings of cash. After all, he spent that much to get this condition, so curing it should cost double that amount.” Tianxiang relayed this message to Pan San, who replied, “Can he really remove it? If he can truly cure me, I’ll give him the three hundred strings. But make sure he doesn’t tell anyone about this.” Tianxiang left and waited two days before bringing the man to Pan San’s small room. Pan San was quite embarrassed, but the man said, “I know all about your situation, Master San, but since it’s been a while, it won’t be easy to remove.” Pan San, unable to speak about the issue himself, had Tianxiang negotiate on his behalf. They agreed that if Pan San was cured, he would pay three hundred strings of cash—one hundred upfront and the remaining two hundred if the itching stopped within ten days. The man agreed and told Pan San, “Master San, your problem is that your cavity is deep, and my fingers are short, so I can’t reach the bottom. You’ll need to have two taels of gold melted down to make a seven-inch-long ear scoop, as thick as a pen tube. Tomorrow, after breakfast, I’ll come and guarantee you’ll be completely cured, without having to endure this again.”
Pan San asked, “Does it really have to be gold? Won’t silver work?” The man replied, “It must be gold; silver absolutely won’t do.” With that, he left. Pan San suspected the man was just trying to make a profit off the gold, so he had a silver ear scoop made and plated it with gold, preparing it for the next day. When the man returned the following morning, he used the ear scoop to thoroughly clean Pan San’s condition. Pan San finally felt some relief and gave the man the first payment of one hundred strings of cash. The man took the ear scoop as well, as Pan San had expected. After more than ten days passed, Pan San found himself completely cured—no more itching. He then gave the man the remaining two hundred strings of cash. Tianxiang, seizing the opportunity, borrowed some money from Pan San, who, hoping to keep his secret, handed over several dozen more strings of cash.
The man, who was a barber, suddenly became wealthy with the three hundred strings of cash. Having also received two taels of gold, he was overjoyed. One day, he decided to take the gold ear scoop to a silversmith to have two rings made. The silversmith examined it and told him it was only gold-plated, not solid gold. The man didn’t believe it, but when the silversmith scraped it against a touchstone, it was indeed revealed to be silver underneath. Enraged at being deceived by Pan San, the man harbored a grudge and sought out Tianxiang. He had Tianxiang deliver a message to Pan San: “It was wrong of you to deceive me. I still have this ear scoop as evidence, and I’ll tell everyone that Master Pan made me clean out his rear end. How do you think you’ll live with that kind of reputation?” Tianxiang relayed the message, and Pan San, having no other choice, asked Tianxiang to smooth things over with the man by offering him more money to keep quiet.
However, no matter how much they negotiated, the man wouldn’t relent. In the end, Pan San had to give him another three hundred strings of cash. From that point on, the man and Tianxiang colluded. Whenever the man was in a tight spot, he would go to Pan San for more money. If Pan San refused to comply, the man would bring up the embarrassing incident with the ear scoop. It was as though Pan San had signed a lifelong contract of servitude with him, as he ended up paying in small amounts over the years. This continued until the man finally died, and only then did it stop.
This is a side story and not part of the main narrative. The next part will recount Qin Xian’s departure from the capital, which will be explained in detail.