話說子玉逛運河這一天，李元茂向子玉借錢。少頃賬房送出八弔大錢，李元茂到手，心花盡開。又想道：「這些錢身上難帶，不如票子便當。」便叫跟他小使王保，拿了五弔大錢放在衚衕口煙錢鋪內，換了十張票子，元茂一張張的點清了裝在檳榔口袋裡，掛在衫子衿上。候不到吃飯，即帶了王保出門，去找他阿舅孫嗣徽。恰值嗣徽不在家，嗣元請進，談了一回，留他吃了便飯。元茂與嗣元是不大講得來的，又因嗣元常要駁他的說話，所以就坐了不長久，辭了嗣元，信步行去，心裡忘不了前次那個彈琵琶的婦人。
行到了東園，只見家家門口，仍立滿了好些人。隨意看了兩三處，也有坐著兩三人的，也有三五人的，村村俏俏，作張作致，看了又看，只不見從前那個彈琵琶的。元茂的眼力本不濟事，也分不出好歹來，卻想到裡頭看看；又因人多，且是第一次，心中也不得主意，不敢進去。再望到一個門口，卻只有兩人，走到門邊，見有一個漢子，從屋子裡低下頭出來，一直出門去了。元茂心卻癢癢的，只管把身子挨近了門，一隻腳踏在門檻上，望著一個三十來歲的婦人。那婦人生得肥肥的，烏雲似的一堆黑髮，臉皮雖粗，兩腮卻是紅拂拂的。生得一雙好眼睛，水汪汪的睃來睃去。把個李元茂提得一身火起。只得彎著腰，曲著膀子，撐在膝上，支起頤兒，戴上眼鏡，細細的瞧那婦人。那婦人一面笑，一面看那李元茂，覺得比那些人體面乾淨了好些：剃得光光的頭，頂平額滿，好像一個紫油缽盂兒，身材不高不矮，腰圓背厚，穿一件新白紡綢衫子，腳下是一雙新緞靴，衣衿上露了半個檳榔口袋，便對著點點頭道：「你能請裡面來坐，喝鍾茶兒。」元茂心中亂跳，卻想要進去，又不敢答應。那婦人又笑道：「不要害臊。你瞧出出進進，一天有多少人，你只管進來罷！」元茂臉上已經脹得通紅，那婦人又笑道：「想是那小腦袋，准沒有進過紅門開葷，還是吃素的。」門外那兩個人都笑了，有一個扯扯元茂的衣裳。元茂回轉頭來，見那人有三十多歲年紀，身穿一件白布短衫，頭上挽了一個長勝揪兒，手裡把著小麻鷹兒，笑嘻嘻的道：「媳婦兒請你進去，你就進去，怕什麼？我替你掩上門，就沒有人瞧見了。」
李元茂咕嚕了一句，那人聽不清楚，又道：「你若愛進去，你只管大大方方的進去，咱們都是朋友，我替你守著門，包管沒有人來。你出來請我喝四兩，吃碗爛肉面就是你的交情。沒有也不要緊。頑笑罷了，算什麼事。」說著哈哈大笑起來。那一個穿著一件藍布衫子也道：「面皮太嫩，怕什麼，要頑就頑，花個三四百錢就夠了，那裡還有便宜過這件事嗎？」李元茂被那兩人你一言，我一語，說得心癢難熬，又說替他守門，更放心，便問道：「真好進去麼？我不會撒謊，實在是頭一回，怪不好意思的。」那拿鷹的一笑道：「有什麼進去不得？」就把元茂一推，推進了門，順手把門帶上，反扣住了，說：「你不要慌，有我們在這裡，你只管放心樂罷。」元茂瞇奚了眼，尚是不敢近前。那婦人站起道：「乖兒子，不要裝模作樣的。羊肉沒有吃，倒惹得老娘一身腥了。」說完已經掀著草簾，先進房子去了。只見屋子後頭又走出一個四十多歲，搶起一頭短髮，光著脊梁，肩上搭一塊棋子布手巾，骯骯髒髒的，對著元茂伸手道：「數錢罷！」元茂怔了一怔，既到此，又縮不出去，脹紅了臉道：「我沒有帶錢。」那人道：「你既沒有帶錢，怎就路到這裡來？想白頑是不能的。」元茂道：「我只有票子。」那人道：「票子也是一樣，使票子就是了。」元茂沒法，只得從衫子衿上口袋內，摸出一張票子，是一弔的，心裡想道：「方才那人說只要三四百錢，我這一弔的票子，不便宜了他？」
因對那人道：「票子上是一吊錢，你應找還我多少，你找來就是了。」那人一笑，把票子看了一看，即塞在一個大皮瓶抽內，仍往後頭去了。
這李元茂即放大了膽，掀起簾子進內，覺得有些氣味熏人。
見那婦人坐在炕上，一條蓆子，一個紅枕頭，旁邊一張長凳。
元茂就心裡迷迷糊糊的，在凳上坐了。那婦人從炕爐上一個砂壺內，倒了一鍾半溫的茶，給元茂吃了，嘻嘻笑著。即拿出一個木盆子，放在炕後牆洞內。那邊有人接了，盛了半盆水，仍舊放在洞裡。那婦人取下盆子來，蹲下身子，退下後面小衣，一手往下撈了兩撈。元茂聽得哐浪哐浪的水響，見他又拿塊乾布擦了，掇過盆子，便上炕仰面躺下，伸一伸腿，笑對元茂道：「快來罷！」元茂見了慾心如火，先把衫子脫了，扔在凳子上，歪轉身子爬上炕來，那婦人卻不脫衣，只退下一邊褲腿，那元茂喘吁吁的，跪在炕上，就把那婦人那條腿抬了起來，擱在肩上。便把臉來對準那話兒看了又看，恰像個鬍子吃了奶茶沒有擦淨嘴的，把手摸了一摸。那婦人見他如此模樣，便啐了一口道：「呆子，要玩就玩，睄什麼？就是你的老婆也是有這眼的，睄上老娘氣來了。」元茂將要上去，只聽外面一聲響，像是街門開了，院子裡一片吵嚷之聲，直打到簾子邊來。那婦人連忙推過了元茂，坐了起來，套上那邊褲腿，下了炕，出簾子去了。
這邊李元茂，唬得魂飛魄散，忙把褲子掖好，將要穿衣，簾子外打得落花流水，便有些人擁進來看，一擠把簾子已掉下地了。元茂此時急得無處躲避，炕底下是躲不進的，牆洞裡是鑽不過去的，急得上天無路，入地無門。越嚷越近，仔細一看，就是先前那兩個，見那穿藍布衫的像是打輸了，逃進屋子來，元茂一發慌了。那個拿鷹的即隨後趕來，兩人又混扭了一陣，外面又走進兩個人來解勸，不分皂白，把元茂一把按倒，壓在地下，元茂動也難動。只見那四個人八隻手，把他渾身剝一個乾乾淨淨，一哄的散了。元茂脫個精光，幸而尚未挨打，始而想陽臺行雨，此刻是做了溫泉出浴了。慢慢從地下爬起來，一絲不掛，兩淚交流，又不能出去。
那媳婦兒與那要錢漢子，全沒有影兒，引得外面的人，一起一起的看，說的說，笑的笑，有的道：「亂了套兒了。」有的道：「這是好嫖的報應。」元茂無可奈何，只得將草簾子裹著下身，蹲在屋子裡，高聲喊那王保。原來王保只得十三四歲，見元茂進去，明白是那件事，便跑開頑耍去了。及到望得那兩人打進來，知道不好，卻不敢上前，便唬得躲在一棵樹後啼哭。此時見人散了，又聽得主人叫喊，即忙走進，見了元茂光景，便又呆了，說道：「少爺怎樣回去呢？」元茂道：「你快些回去，拿了我的衣衫鞋襪及褲子來，切莫對人講起。就有人問你，也不要答應他，快些，快些！我回去賞你二十個錢買餑餑吃，須要飛的一樣快去。」王保飛跑的去了，不多一回，拿了一包袱衣裳來。元茂解下草簾，先把褲子穿了，一樣一樣的穿好，倒仍是一身光光鮮鮮的走了出來。那些閒人，便多指著笑話。元茂倒假裝體面，慢慢的走著，又回頭說道：「好大膽奴才，此時躲了，少頃，我叫人來拿你，送到兵馬司去，只怕加倍還我。」可憐李元茂錢票衣衫也值個二三十吊錢，還不要緊，出了這一場大醜，受了這些驚嚇，正在慾心如火的時候，只怕內裡就要生出毛病來，也算極倒運的人了。
原來這兩人與那媳婦本是一路的，那些地方向來沒有好人來往，所來者皆係趕車的、挑煤的等類。今見李元茂呆頭呆腦，是個外行，又見他一身新鮮衣服，猜他身邊有些銀兩、錢票等物，果然叫他們看中了，得了些彩頭。元茂受了這場荼毒，卻又告訴不得人，無處伸冤。那時出出進進看的人，竟有認得元茂的在內，知繫住在梅宅，又係孫部郎未過門的女婿，慢慢的傳說開來。過後元茂因王保失手打破了茶碗，打了他兩個嘴巴，王保不平，便將那日的事告訴眾人，從此又復傳揚開去，連孫亮功也略略知道了，自然過門之後，要教訓女婿起來。此是後話不提。
且說孫嗣徽今日出門是找他一個親戚，係姑表妻舅，姓姬叫作亮軒，江蘇常州府金匱縣人，向辦刑錢，屢食重聘，因其品行不端，以致聞風畏惕。且學問平常，專靠巴結，因聲名傳開了，近省地方竟弄不出個館地來。只得帶了些銀錢貨物進京，希圖結交顯宦，弄個大館出來。於孫亮功誼有葭莩，遂送了一分厚禮，托其吹噓汲引。已經來了兩月，卻也認得數人，正是十分諂笑，一味謙恭。
若說作幕的，原有些名士在內，不能一概抹倒。有那一宗讀書出身，學問素優，科名無分，不能中會，因年紀大了，只得改學幕道。這樣人便是慈祥濟世，道義交人，出心出力的辦事，內顧東家的聲名，外防百姓的物議，正大光明，無一毫苟且。到發財之後，捐了官作起來，也是個好官，倒能夠辦兩件好事情，使百姓受些實惠。本來精明，不至受人欺蔽。這宗上幕十之內止有兩分。至於那種劣幕，無論大席小席，都是一樣下作，脅肩諂笑，□刺營求。東家稱老伯，門上拜弟兄。得館時便狐朋狗友樹起黨來，親戚為一黨，世誼為一黨，同鄉為一黨，擠他不相好的，薦他相好的。薦得一兩個出去，他便坐地分贓，是要陋規的。不論人地相宜，不講主賓合式，惟講束脩之多寡，但開口一千八百，少便不就，也不想自己能辦不能辦。
到館之後，只有將成案奉為圭臬，書辦當作觀摩，再拉兩個閒住窮朋友進來，抄抄寫寫，自己便安富尊榮，毫不費心。穿起幾件新衣服，大轎煌煌，方靴禿禿，居然也像個正經朋友。及到失館的時節，就草雞毛了。還有一種最無用的人，自己糊不上口來，《四書》讀過一半，史鑒只知本朝，窮到不堪時候，便想出一條生路來：拜老師學幕，花了一席酒，便吃的用的都是老師的。自己尚要不安本分，吃喝嫖賭、撞騙招搖，一進衙門也就冠帶坐起轎來。聞說他的泰山，就在縣裡管廚呢。這姬先生大約就是這等人了。
這日孫嗣徽請他吃飯聽戲，先聽了鳳臺班的戲，帶了鳳林，揀了個館子，進雅座坐了。這姬先生倒有一個俊俏的跟班，年紀約十五六歲，是徽州人，在剃頭鋪裡學徒弟的，叫作巴老英。
亮軒見其眉目清俊，以青蚨十千買得，改名英官，打扮起來也還好看。日間是主僕稱呼，晚間為妻妾侍奉。當下嗣徽見了也覺垂涎。二人點了菜，鳳林敬了幾杯酒，那巴英官似氣忿忿的站在後面。鳳林最伶透，便知他是個卯君，忙招呼了他，問了姓，叫了幾聲巴二爺，方才踱了出去，姬亮軒才放了心。如今見了京中小旦，覺比外省的好了幾倍：第一是款式好，第二是衣服好，第三是應酬好，說話好，因對嗣徽道：「外省小旦相貌卻有很好的，但是穿衣打扮，有些土氣，靴子是難得穿的。
譬如此刻夏天，便是一件衫子，戴上涼帽，進到衙門來一群的三四個，最不肯一人獨來，開發隨便一兩二兩皆可。」嗣徽道：「這麼便宜！若是一個進來，我便□東家牆而摟之可乎？」
亮軒笑道：「妹丈取笑了，東家的牆豈可逾得？就太晚了，二更三更，宅門也還叫得開的。」嗣徽道：「三更叫門，大驚小怪的，到底有些不便。你何不開個後門倒便當些，人不能測度的。」亮軒即正正經經的講道：「妹丈真真是個趣人，取笑得豈有此理。我們作朋友的，第一講究是品行，這後門要堵得緊緊的，一個屁都放不出來了，才使東家放心呢。」嗣徽尚是不懂，連問何故？一個是信口胡柴，一個是胸無墨水，弄得彼此所問非所答，直鬧得一團糟了，亮軒便不與他說。因問鳳林道：「你們作相公，一年算起來可弄得多少錢？」鳳林道：「錢多錢少是師傅的，我們盡取老爺們賞幾件衣裳穿著，及到出了師，方算自己的。」亮軒道：「此時一年，師傅掙得錢多少呢？」
鳳林道：「也拿不定，一年牽算起來，三四千吊錢是長有的。」亮軒吐出舌頭道：「有這許多？比我們作刑錢的束脩還多呢！我如今倒也懊悔，從前也應該學戲，倒比學幕還快活些。我們收徒弟是賠錢貼飯，學不成的，十年八年，推不出去，即有薦出去的，或到半年三月又回來了。到得徒弟孝敬老師，一世能碰見幾個？真不如你們作相公的好了。」說著自己也就大笑。嗣徽看這鳳林道：「鳳凰于飛，於彼中林，亦既見止，我心則喜焉。」鳳林笑道：「你又通文了，我們班子裡，倒也用得著你。那個撂著鼻子禿禿禿狗才狗才的，倒絕像是你，何必這麼滿口之乎者也，知道你念過書就是了。」亮軒笑道：「此是孫少爺的書香本色。若是我們作師爺的，二位三位會著了，就講起案情來，都是三句不脫本行的，就是你們唱小旦戲的，為什麼走路又要扭扭捏捏呢？」又問嗣徽道：「太親臺今年可以出京否？」嗣徽道：「家父是已截取矣，尚未得過京察。今茲未能，以待來年，任重而道遠，未可知也。」亮軒道：「是道府兼放的？」嗣徽道：「府道吾未之前聞，老人家是專任知府的。」亮軒道：「知府好似道臺，而且好缺多。太親臺明年榮任，小弟是一定要求栽培的。」嗣徽道：「自然，自然。這一席大哥是居之不疑，安如磐石的了。」兩人說說笑笑，喝了幾杯酒。嗣徽道」今見大哥有一個五尺之童，美目盼兮。倘遇暮夜無人，子亦動心否乎？」
這一句說到亮軒心上來，便笑道：「這小童倒也虧他，驢子、小妾兩樣，他都作全了。」嗣徽道：「奇哉！什麼叫作驢子、小妾？吾願聞其詳。」亮軒道：「我今只用他一個跟班，璧如你住西城，我住南城，若有話商量，我必要從城根下騎了驢子過來。有了他，便寫一信，叫他送給官，便代了步，不算驢子麼？我們作客的人，日裡各處散散，也挨過去了。晚間一人獨宿，實在冷落得很。有了他，也可談談講講，作了伴兒。到急的時候，還可以救救急，不可以算得小妾麼？一月八百錢工食，買幾件舊衣服與他，一年花不到二十千。若比起你們叫相公，只抵得兩三回，這不是極便宜的算盤麼？」
嗣徽道：「這件事，願學焉。綏之斯來，盎於背，將入門，則茅塞之矣，如之何則可。而國人皆曰：若大路然。吾斯之未能信，明以教我，請嘗試之。」鳳林不曉得他說些什麼，便送了一杯酒，又暗數他臉上的疙瘩，及鼻子上的紅糟點兒，共有三十餘處，問道：「你到底說話叫人明白才好。我實在不懂得你這臉上會好不會好。我有個方子給你用香糟十斤，豬油三斤，羊胰一斤，皂莢四兩，銀硝四兩，鋪在蒸籠內，蒸得熟了。你把臉貼在上面，候他那糟氣鑽進你的面皮裡來，把你那個糟氣拔盡了。」嗣徽道：「放你的屁中之屁，你想必糟過來的，我倒要聞聞你的臉上有糟香乎，無糟香也。」便把臉貼了鳳林的臉，索性擦了兩擦，鳳林心裡頗覺肉麻，臉上便癢起來，把手指抓了一回，便道：「好，把你那紅癬過了人。」腮邊真抓出一個小塊來，把嗣徽臉上掐了一下。嗣徽笑道：「你說我過了你癬，為什麼從前不過，今日就過呢，未之過也，何傷也。」又把鳳林抱在膝上道：「有兔爰爰，實獲我心。」
鳳林把嗣徽臉上，輕輕的打了一掌，兩個眼瞪瞪兒的說道：「人家嫌你這紅鼻子，我倒愛他。」索性把嗣徽的臉捧了亂擦，跳下來笑道：「也算打了個手銃罷。嗣徽趕過來，要擰他的嘴，鳳林跑出屋子，嗣徽趕出去，鳳林又進來了，嗣徽便狠起那斑斑駁駁的面皮道：「你若到我手，我決不放你起來。」亮軒替他討了情，敬了一杯酒，夾了兩箸菜，嗣徽方才饒了鳳林。
鳳林又敬了亮軒幾杯，那個巴英官紅著臉，在廓下走來走去。姬亮軒叫他來裝煙，他也不理，又去了。嗣徽見了說道：「大哥，方才小弟要請教你的話，我只知泌水洋洋，可以樂饑。至於蒸豚之味，未曾嘗過，不識其中之妙，到底有甚好處，與妻子好合如何？」亮軒笑道：「據我想來，原是各有好處，但人人常說男便於女。」嗣徽道：「你且把其中之妙談談，使我也豁然貫通。」亮軒笑道：「這件事只可意會，難以言傳，且說來太覺粗俗難聽。我把個坐船坐車比方起來，似乎是車子輕便了。況我們作客的，又不能到處帶著家眷，有了他還好似家眷。至於其中的滋味，卻又人人一樣，難以盡述。有一幅對子說：『瘦寬肥緊麻多糞，白濕黃乾黑有油。』最妙的是油，其次為水。至於內裡收拾，放開呼吸之間，使人骨節酥麻，魂迷魄蕩。船之妙處，全在篩簸兩樣。不會篩簸的，與攣櫞無異。若車一軒一蹬，則又好於船之一篩一簸，其妙處在緊湊服貼。」
尚未說完，鳳林便紅臉道：「你這個趕車的，實在講得透徹。你那輛車是什麼車？像是輛河南篷子車。罰你三杯酒，不准說了，說得人這麼寒嘇。」嗣徽道：「快哉，快哉！竟是聞所未聞。小弟船倒天天坐的，車卻總坐不進。到了門口，竟非人力可通，又恐坐著了糞車，則人皆掩鼻而過矣。」亮軒笑道：「也有個法子，就是糞車，也可坐得的。大木耳一個，水泡軟了，拿來作你的帽子，又作車裡的墊子，那管糞車，也就坐得了。」嗣徽大樂道：「領教，領教。」對著鳳林道：「我明日坐一回罷。」鳳林啐了一口道：「不要胡講了。天已晚了，我還有兩處地方要去呢。吃飯吧。不然，我就先走了。」姬亮軒因同著相公吃酒，知道他的巴英官要吃醋，不敢盡歡，也就催飯，吃了要散，嗣徽只得吃飯。大家吃畢，嗣徽拿出兩張票子共是五吊錢，開發了鳳林，合著點子牌一張的麼四。又算了飯帳，各自回去。
此回書何以純敘些淫褻之事，豈非浪費筆墨麼？蓋世間實有些等人，會作此等事。又為此書，都說些美人、名士好色不淫。豈知邪正兩途，並行不悖。單說那不淫的不說幾個極淫的，就非五色成文，八音合律了。故不得已以鑿空之想，度混沌之心，大概如斯，想當然耳，閱者幸勿疑焉。要知孰正孰邪，且聽下回分解。
The story tells of a day when Zi Yu was strolling along the canal, and Li Yuanmao asked Zi Yu for a loan. After a while, the accounting room handed out eight handfuls of large coins, and upon receiving them, Li Yuanmao’s heart blossomed with joy. He thought, “It’s hard to carry these coins on me; it would be more convenient to have banknotes.” He then instructed his servant, Wang Bao, to take five handfuls of the large coins to a tobacco shop at the entrance of a narrow alley to exchange them for ten banknotes. Yuanmao counted each note, placed them in a betel nut pouch, and hung it on his shirt collar. Without waiting for mealtime, he took Wang Bao and went to visit his uncle, Sun Sihui. Unfortunately, Sihui was not at home, but his son, Sun Siyuan, invited them in, chatted for a while, and offered them a simple meal. Yuanmao did not get along well with Siyuan, especially since Siyuan often contradicted him, so he did not stay long. After excusing himself from Siyuan, he walked away, unable to forget the pipa-playing woman he had met before.
Upon reaching the Eastern Garden, he saw that every household’s doorstep was crowded with many people. After casually observing two or three places, some with two or three people, and others with groups of five, bustling and lively, he looked again and again but could not see the pipa-playing woman from before. Yuanmao, whose eyesight was not the best and could not discern quality, thought about going inside to take a closer look; however, due to the crowd and it being his first time, he hesitated and did not dare to enter. He then approached a doorway where only two people stood, walked up to the door, and saw a man coming out of the house, lowering his head and exiting straight out. Yuanmao felt an itch in his heart and moved closer to the door, stepping one foot on the threshold, looking at a woman about thirty years old. The woman was plump with a mass of black hair like dark clouds, rough skin but flushed cheeks. Her eyes were lively and darting around, igniting a fire in Li Yuanmao. He had to bend over, supporting himself on his knees, and put on his glasses to take a closer look at the woman. The woman smiled at him, feeling that he looked cleaner and more dignified than the others: with a bald, clean-shaven head resembling a purple oil bowl, neither tall nor short, with a round back, dressed in a new white silk shirt, new satin boots, and showing half of his betel nut pouch from his collar. She nodded at him, “You should come in and sit for a while, have a cup of tea.” Yuanmao’s heart raced, but he hesitated to accept the invitation. The woman laughed again, “Don’t be shy. You see people coming in and out all day; just come on in!” Yuanmao’s face turned bright red, and the woman laughed again, suggesting that he seemed inexperienced, perhaps still adhering to a vegetarian diet, while the two men outside laughed and one of them tugged at Yuanmao’s clothes. Yuanmao turned his head and saw a man in his thirties wearing a white cloth shirt with a long victory topknot and holding a small hawk, who cheerfully said, “If the lady invites you in, just go in; what are you afraid of? I’ll cover the door for you so no one will see.”
Li Yuanmao muttered something, which the man could not hear clearly, and then said, “If you want to go in, just go in boldly; we are all friends here, and I’ll watch the door for you, ensuring no one disturbs us. You can treat me to four liangs of drink and a bowl of rotten meat noodles afterwards as a token of our friendship. Even if not, it doesn’t matter; we are just joking.” Laughing heartily, another man in a blue cloth shirt also said, “You’re too timid; what’s there to be afraid of? Just play around and spend three or four hundred coins; what could be cheaper than this?” Persuaded by their words and reassured by their offer to watch the door, Yuanmao asked, “Is it really okay to go in? I’m not lying; it’s my first time, and it feels awkward.” The man holding the hawk laughed, “Why wouldn’t it be okay?” and pushed Yuanmao through the door, closing it behind him and locking it, saying, “Don’t panic, we are here; just enjoy yourself.” Yuanmao hesitated to approach, and the woman stood up, saying, “My dear boy, don’t put on airs. You haven’t even had the
mutton yet, and you’ve already made me smell like it.” After she finished speaking, she lifted the straw curtain and went into the house. Then a man over forty years old with short hair, bare back, and a chessboard towel over his shoulder came out from the back of the house and said to Yuanmao, “Count the money!” Yuanmao was taken aback, and now that he was inside, he couldn’t back out; his face flushed as he said, “I didn’t bring any money.” The man responded, “If you didn’t bring money, why did you come here? You can’t just play for free.” Yuanmao replied, “I only have banknotes.” The man said, “Banknotes work just the same, use them.” Yuanmao had no choice but to take out a banknote from his shirt collar pocket, which was worth one handful of money, thinking, “The man earlier said it would only cost three or four hundred coins; isn’t this banknote enough for him?”
He said to the man, “The banknote is worth one handful of money; you can give me change if needed.” The man laughed, looked at the banknote, and then tucked it into a large leather pouch and went to the back of the house.
Thus, Li Yuanmao, feeling braver, lifted the curtain and went inside, where the smell was somewhat pungent.
He saw the woman sitting on a kang (a traditional Chinese heated bed), with a mat and a red pillow next to a long bench.
Yuanmao, feeling bewildered, sat on the bench. The woman poured him a half-warm cup of tea from a clay teapot on the kang stove, laughing playfully. Then she took out a wooden basin and placed it in a hole in the wall behind the kang. Someone on the other side took the basin, filled it halfway with water, and placed it back in the hole. The woman took down the basin, squatted down, pulled down her undergarments, and scooped the water twice with one hand. Yuanmao heard the loud splashing of water and saw her wipe herself with a dry cloth, picked up the basin, then lay back on the kang, stretching her legs and smiling at Yuanmao, “Come on!” Seeing this, Yuanmao’s desires ignited like fire; he took off his shirt, threw it on the bench, turned his body, and climbed onto the kang. The woman did not take off her clothes but just pulled down one leg of her trousers. Yuanmao, panting heavily, knelt on the kang, lifted the woman’s leg onto his shoulder, and brought his face close to her private parts, looking closely as if he were a bearded man who had drunk milk tea without wiping his mouth clean. He touched it with his hand. The woman, seeing him act this way, spit and said, “Fool, if you want to play, just play, what are you looking at? Even if she was your wife, she would have eyes too; you’re making me angry.” Yuanmao was about to proceed when suddenly there was a noise outside, as if the street door had opened, and a commotion filled the courtyard, reaching the curtain. The woman quickly pushed Yuanmao aside, got up, put on her trousers, and went out from behind the curtain.
On this side, Li Yuanmao was terrified out of his wits. He quickly adjusted his trousers and was about to put on his clothes when a commotion broke out outside the curtain, and people crowded in to see, causing the curtain to fall to the ground. Yuanmao, now desperate with nowhere to hide—not under the bed or through a wall hole—felt trapped as the shouting drew nearer. On a closer look, it was the same two men from earlier. Seeing the one in the blue cloth shirt as if he had lost a fight and ran into the room, Yuanmao panicked even more. The man with the hawk followed right in, and after a scuffle, two more people came in to break it up. Without any regard for the situation, they threw Yuanmao down and pinned him to the ground, leaving him unable to move. Then, those four men, with eight hands, stripped him completely clean and scattered. Yuanmao was left naked, fortunate not to have been beaten, thinking he had stepped out into the rain from the balcony but now it felt like he had emerged from a hot spring bath. Slowly getting up from the ground, stark naked and with tears streaming down his face, he was unable to leave.
The wife and the money-demanding man had vanished without a trace, drawing a crowd outside, who watched, commented, and laughed. Some said, “Things have gone completely haywire,” while others remarked, “This is the karma for soliciting prostitutes.” Yuanmao, helpless, could only wrap the straw curtain around his lower body and squat in the room, calling out loudly for Wang Bao. Wang Bao, only about thirteen or fourteen years old, knew what Yuanmao was up to when he went inside and had run off to play. When he saw the two men fighting their way in, he knew things were bad but was too frightened to approach and instead cried behind a tree. Seeing that the crowd had dispersed and hearing his master’s shouts, he hurried in, stunned at Yuanmao’s state, and asked, “Young master, how will you go back?” Yuanmao responded, “Hurry back, get my clothes, shoes, socks, and trousers, and don’t tell anyone about this. Even if someone asks you, do not respond; just hurry! I’ll reward you with twenty coins to buy some snacks, but you must go as fast as flying.” Wang Bao ran off and soon returned with a bundle of clothes. Yuanmao removed the straw curtain, dressed himself piece by piece, and emerged looking spotless. The bystanders pointed and laughed at him. Yuanmao pretended to be dignified, walked slowly, and turned back to say, “You bold servants, hiding now. In a moment, I will call people to take you to the military governor’s office, and you will probably pay me back double.” Poor Li Yuanmao, having lost money and clothes worth twenty to thirty handfuls of coins, and not only that, but after such a massive humiliation and fright while his desires were inflamed, he feared internal ailments might arise, truly making him a most unlucky person.
It turned out that the two men and the wife were in cahoots, typical of the area where no good people frequented, frequented only by cart drivers, coal carriers, and the like. Seeing Li Yuanmao as an outsider and noting his fresh clothes, they guessed he had some silver and banknotes on him and indeed targeted him for a scam. After enduring such torment, Yuanmao couldn’t tell anyone and had no way to seek justice. At that time, some of the onlookers knew Yuanmao and were aware that he stayed at the Mei residence and was the son-in-law of Minister Sun who had not yet brought his wife home. The story slowly spread. Later, because Wang Bao accidentally broke a teacup, Yuanmao slapped him twice. Wang Bao, feeling unjust, told everyone about that day’s events, and the story spread even further. Even Sun Lianggong heard about it vaguely and naturally planned to teach his son-in-law a lesson after the wedding. But that is a story for another time.
Now, regarding Sun Sihui, he had left the house today to visit a relative, a maternal cousin’s husband, surnamed Ji and called Liangxuan, from Jinkui County, Changzhou Prefecture, Jiangsu. He was involved in handling criminal money and had received multiple heavy bribes due to his questionable character, which made him cautious and fearful. His learning was mediocre, relying solely on flattery to build his reputation. Because of this, he could not secure a decent position nearby and had to bring some silver and goods to the capital, hoping to make connections with influential officials to secure a good post. He had a distant kinship with Sun Lianggong and thus sent a generous gift, relying on him to promote his cause
. After two months, he had made a few acquaintances, always overly obsequious and excessively humble.
Speaking of those in official positions, there were some reputable scholars among them who could not be entirely dismissed. Some, born scholars with excellent academic credentials but without official appointments due to their age, had turned to bureaucracy. Such individuals were benevolent and ethical, managing affairs diligently, looking after their employer’s reputation while safeguarding public interests with integrity and without any compromise. After making their fortune, they donated to official positions and proved to be competent, able to implement beneficial policies for the public. Naturally shrewd, they were not easily deceived. Among such officials, only about two out of ten were like this. As for the lesser officials, regardless of their rank, they were all the same: cringing, fawning, and scheming. They called their employers “old master” and their subordinates “brothers”. When they secured a position, they formed cliques with their friends and relatives, recommending those they favored and sidelining those they did not. By getting one or two people appointed, they would then share the spoils among themselves, following corrupt practices. They did not consider the suitability of a person for a position, focusing only on how much they could gain, demanding exorbitant bribes, without contemplating their own capabilities.
Once appointed, they treated their official duties as mere formalities, using their positions to enrich themselves effortlessly. They would dress in new clothes, ride in grand palanquins, and live a life of ease and honor, appearing like respectable officials. But once they lost their position, their true colors showed. Then there was the most useless type, who barely understood the basics, having only read half of the “Four Books” and knew only the history of the current dynasty. When impoverished, they would seek a way out by becoming an official’s protégé, spending a meal’s worth to live off their mentor’s resources. Without maintaining proper conduct, they engaged in eating, drinking, soliciting, gambling, deceiving, and showing off. Once they entered the government office, they would wear official robes and ride in sedans as if they were important figures, even managing the kitchen in the county office. Mr. Ji was likely one of these people.
On this day, Sun Sihui invited Ji Liangxuan to a meal and to watch a play. They first watched a performance by the Fengtai Troupe, included Feng Lin in the outing, and chose a restaurant where they sat in a private room. Mr. Ji had an attractive young attendant, about fifteen or sixteen years old, from Huizhou, who was apprenticed at a barbershop and was called Ba Lao Ying.
Liangxuan, finding the young man’s features clean and handsome, bought him for ten thousand qian, renamed him Ying Guan, and dressed him up quite nicely. By day they addressed each other as master and servant, while at night he served as a concubine. Upon seeing him, Sihui also found himself coveting the boy. The two ordered dishes, Feng Lin offered several toasts, and Ba Ying Guan stood behind them, looking quite indignant. Feng Lin, being very astute, immediately realized that he was a discontented servant, called him over, asked his surname, and after addressing him a few times as “Second Master Ba,” finally left. Ji Liangxuan then relaxed. Now, seeing the young male actors in the capital, he felt they were several times better than those from the provinces: first, their style was better; second, their clothes were superior; and third, their social skills and speech were more polished. He remarked to Sihui, “The young actors from the provinces do have good looks, but their dress and manner are somewhat rustic, and it’s rare for them to wear boots.
For example, in this summer weather, just wearing a shirt and a straw hat, they would come to the office in groups of three or four, rarely alone, and a casual offering of one or two liang would suffice.” Sihui responded, “That cheap! If one comes alone, could I not embrace him over the wall of the eastern house?”
Liangxuan laughed, “Brother-in-law, you jest, how can one climb over the wall of the eastern house? Even if it’s very late, at the second or third watch, the gates can still be opened.” Sihui said, “Calling at the third watch would cause a commotion and be inconvenient. Why not make a back door, which would be more practical and unpredictable?” Liangxuan replied seriously, “Brother-in-law, you are truly a man of interesting tastes to joke so. Among friends, the first thing we value is moral character. This back door needs to be tightly sealed, so tight that not even a fart can escape, to make the master of the house feel secure.” Sihui still didn’t understand and kept asking why. One was spouting nonsense, and the other was clueless, leading to a total mess of a conversation that Liangxuan eventually gave up on. He then asked Feng Lin, “As a xianggong, how much money can you make in a year?” Feng Lin replied, “The amount of money depends on the master; we just get a few pieces of clothing as rewards and only count our own earnings after we leave our master.” Liangxuan asked, “How much does the master earn in a year?”
Feng Lin said, “It’s not fixed, but generally, it’s between three to four thousand diao a year.” Liangxuan stuck out his tongue, “That much? That’s even more than what we make from handling criminal fines! I regret now not learning acting before, as it seems more enjoyable than being a clerk. We lose money and provide food when training apprentices who often don’t succeed. After ten or eight years, they either can’t make it out or come back after half a year or three months. How often does a disciple truly honor their master for life? It’s really better to be an actor.” He laughed at his own words. Sihui then quoted to Feng Lin, “The phoenix flies to the central forest and finds its perch, which gladdens my heart.” Feng Lin laughed, “You’re quite literary; we could use you in our troupe. That guy with his nose sticking out, always acting so pompous, looks just like you. You don’t need to use all those classical phrases; we know you’re educated.” Liangxuan laughed, “That’s just young master Sun’s scholarly nature. If we clerks get together, we talk about cases, sticking strictly to our profession. But why do you actors, especially the young male roles, have to walk so coyly?” He then asked Sihui, “Is it possible for your close relative to leave the capital this year?” Sihui responded, “My father has already obtained it, but he hasn’t passed the imperial inspection yet. This year it won’t happen; we’ll have to wait until next year. The task is significant and the road is long; it’s uncertain.” Li
angxuan asked, “Is it a combined provincial and prefectural post?” Sihui answered, “I haven’t heard of a provincial role; the old man is strictly a prefect.” Liangxuan said, “A prefect is similar to a provincial governor, and the position has many perks. If your relative gains this post next year, I will certainly seek his favor.” Sihui agreed, “Naturally, naturally. This seat is undoubtedly solid as a rock for you, brother.” They laughed and drank a few more cups of wine. Sihui remarked, “Today I see you have a boy of about five feet tall with lovely eyes. If you encounter him alone at night, would you not be moved?”
This remark struck a chord with Liangxuan, who laughed, “This boy really owes it to him; he serves as both a donkey and a concubine.” Sihui exclaimed, “How odd! What do you mean by donkey and concubine? I’d like to hear more about this.” Liangxuan explained, “I only use him as an attendant now. Suppose you live in the West City and I in the South City; if we needed to discuss something, I’d have to ride a donkey under the city walls to come to you. With him, I just write a letter, and he delivers it, effectively replacing the donkey, right? As a guest, we wander around during the day and somehow get by. But at night, it’s terribly lonely to sleep alone. With him, I can chat and have company. In urgent times, he can also come in handy, can’t he be considered a concubine? His monthly wage and food cost eight hundred qian, and buying him a few used clothes doesn’t add up to twenty thousand in a year. Compared to hiring an actor, which only covers two or three visits, isn’t this a much cheaper arrangement?”
Sihui responded, “This is something I’d like to learn. Coming this way, feeling comfort on my back, entering the door, then everything becomes clear, like a path well-trodden. Yet, the common saying goes, ‘It seems like a main road.’ I still can’t believe it, teach me clearly, please let me try.” Feng Lin, not understanding what they were discussing, offered a cup of wine and secretly counted the spots on his face and the red marks on his nose, totaling over thirty. He said, “You really should make your speech clearer. I can’t tell if your face will get better. I have a remedy for you: ten jin of aromatic dregs, three jin of lard, one jin of sheep pancreas, four liang of soap pods, and four liang of silver nitrate, steam it well in a steamer. Apply it to your face, let the aroma seep into your skin, and it will draw out all the impurities.” Sihui replied, “That’s the most absurd thing; you must have been pickled to suggest that. I’d like to smell if your face has any fragrance of being pickled or not.” He then pressed his face against Feng Lin’s, wiped it a couple of times, which made Feng Lin feel quite uncomfortable, and his face started itching. He scratched it for a while and said, “Great, you’ve passed your scab to someone else.” He actually scratched off a small piece from his cheek and pinched Sihui’s face. Sihui laughed, “You say I’ve passed my scab to you, why didn’t it happen before, and why today? There’s no harm done.” He then hugged Feng Lin on his lap and said, “There’s a rabbit, so endearing, it truly captures my heart.”
Feng Lin lightly slapped Sihui’s face, with wide-eyed indignation, saying, “People dislike your red nose, but I actually love it.” He then messily wiped Sihui’s face, jumped down, and laughed, “Consider that a slap fight.” Sihui chased after him, wanting to twist his mouth, Feng Lin ran out of the room, Sihui chased after him, Feng Lin came back in, and Sihui fiercely said, “If you were in my hands, I wouldn’t let you get up.” Liangxuan intervened on his behalf, offered him a cup of wine, and served him a couple of dishes, and Sihui finally spared Feng Lin.
Feng Lin then offered a few more toasts to Liangxuan, while Ba Ying Guan, his face flushed, paced back and forth under the eaves. Ji Liangxuan called him over to prepare tobacco, but he ignored it and walked away. Sihui, seeing this, said, “Big brother, I wanted to ask you earlier, I only know the pleasure of watery delights that can satisfy hunger. As for the taste of
steamed pork, I’ve never tried it and don’t know its subtleties. What are its benefits, and how does it compare to being with a wife?” Liangxuan laughed, “From what I think, each has its benefits, but it’s often said it’s easier for men than women.” Sihui said, “Please discuss its subtleties, so I too can fully understand.” Liangxuan smiled, “This matter is more about understanding than can be expressed in words, and frankly, it’s too crude to discuss openly. I’ll compare it to riding in boats or carriages; it seems like riding in a carriage is more convenient. Besides, as guests, we can’t carry our families everywhere, but with him, it’s almost like having family around. As for the taste, it’s the same for everyone, and it’s hard to describe fully. There’s a couplet that says, ‘Thin or wide, fat or tight, it’s full of husks; white and wet, yellow and dry, black has oil.’ The best part is the oil, followed by water. Regarding the inner arrangements, letting go and breathing freely, it makes your bones tender and your soul float. The charm of the boat lies in the rocking and the shaking. If you can’t handle the rocking and shaking, it’s no different from being cramped. If a carriage steps steadily, then it’s even better than the rocking and shaking of a boat, its charm lies in being tight and fitting.”
Before he could finish speaking, Feng Lin said with a red face, “You, the coachman, really explain it thoroughly. What kind of carriage is yours? It sounds like a Henan covered cart. I fine you three drinks, and you’re not allowed to speak anymore; it makes people feel so chilly.” Sihui exclaimed, “Excellent, excellent! Truly unheard of. I take boats every day, but I never really get into carriages. When it comes to the doorway, it’s not something human force can manage, and I fear that sitting in a dung cart would make everyone cover their noses as they pass by.” Liangxuan laughed, “There’s a way even for a dung cart. Get a big mushroom, soak it in water until it’s soft, use it as your hat, and also as a cushion inside the cart. Who cares if it’s a dung cart then? You can still sit in it.” Sihui laughed heartily, “I’m enlightened, enlightened.” Then, turning to Feng Lin, he said, “I’ll take a ride tomorrow.” Feng Lin spit and said, “Stop talking nonsense. It’s already late, and I still have two more places to go. Let’s eat. Otherwise, I’m leaving.” Ji Liangxuan, knowing that his servant Ba Ying Guan would be jealous while drinking with these gentlemen, didn’t dare to enjoy himself too much, and so he hurried the meal along. They had to eat, and after they finished, Sihui took out two banknotes totaling five diao, settled the account with Feng Lin, and they counted the chips from a card game that added up to about four mao. They then calculated the bill for the meal and each went their own way.
Why does this chapter narrate such obscene matters, isn’t it a waste of ink? Indeed, there are people in the world who engage in such acts. Moreover, this book discusses beauties and famous scholars who are lustful but not lewd. It is known that the paths of righteousness and wickedness run parallel without contradiction. To mention only the chaste without mentioning the extremely lewd would not fulfill the colorful expression of writing or the harmony of music. Therefore, out of necessity and to reflect the complexity of human nature, this is written somewhat imaginatively. Readers, please do not doubt this. To understand who is righteous and who is wicked, listen to the next installment for clarification.